A Bit of Universe Hopping
by foxfire222
Summary: Takes place after book three of Hitchhiker series. Don't really care when it happens in SGA universe as long as it's after last season but still in the Pegasus Galaxy. Arthur isn't having a good day, and it only looks to be getting worse when he ends up on a mystery ship owned by aliens called the Wraith. What will happen to him, how will the lives of those who found him change?
1. Chapter 1

AN: I am giving Arthur new clothing. Don't worry, it looks like his original clothing, just cleaner. Let's say that when he landed on the planet some nice people offered to make him new clothing. But they based it off what he was already wearing. And Arthur being who he is, didn't have the heart to complain about it.

Arthur Dent was a curious individual. Out of all the humans in the universe, of which there were currently a total of 2 including himself, he was the strangest. He seemed to always be at the wrong place at the wrong time. He had never done anyone any harm intentionally throughout his whole life. He was hardly ever rude when speaking, if anyone was paying any attention at all when he spoke of course. And he didn't have an aggressive bone in his body. And yet, despite all of this, he had been taken prisoner by some strange aliens with white skin and black coats.

It had all started when he had been left on a peaceful planet to get on with his life as he wanted. It was located in the heart of the Pegasus Galaxy and had been celebrating peace for several thousand years. This of course led everyone to assume it was safe. This was proven to be incorrect when one day, while practicing his flying, Arthur came upon some scientists in the woods. Turns out, they had been shunned by their fellows on the other side of the planet for outrageous theories about alternate universes. The scientists on the other side of the planet thought one universe was enough and had no desire to get involved with another one. After all, they had enough trouble trying to deal with their own problems, why add more.

They had captured Arthur while trying to catch a flock of birds he had been chatting with. Apparently, they liked to send living beings through a special machine to see if anything happened. As it turned out, something did. He was transported to the same planet, but in a different universe. Or so he assumed from what the scientists had said while ignoring his yelling to be let go. He was only comforted, however slightly, by the fact his towel as wrapped around his waist. Of course, his Greek olive oil was now lost forever and he had had a good five minute cry about this once he had materialized in this new universe. After that, he pulled himself together, and went exploring.

He had found absolute carnage. A small village, looking like one out of a mid-evil film he had seen once, was on fire. There were strange ships flying this way and that sounding like mosquitoes on turbo. The ships seemed to be collecting people with the use of strange beams that swept the ground. He had just decided to stay out of the whole thing when he had been captured for the second time that day by the strange aliens who seemed to be causing all the racket.

And now he was sitting alone in a dark cell in some strange alien ship that reminded him of being in something's stomach. Everything looked organic, slimy and squishy. The unnerving feeling this gave Arthur caused him to sit on the floor in the center of the cell and curl up into a little ball to try and avoid touching as much of it as possible. He had then taken his towel and draped it over his head so he wouldn't have to see where he was. He had fallen asleep like this within minutes.

His sleep didn't last long, at least he didn't think it did, before it was interrupted by loud yelling and swearing. It seemed he now had company in his cell, and not happy company by the sound of it. He decided to stay where he was and pretend to still be asleep. He was hopeful they would ignore him, but he doubted they would. He listened as for about a minute the yelling continued as well as the sound of something heavy hitting something solid, most likely someone trying to break down the door.

And slowly, the noise had stopped. In fact, even the sound of people moving had stopped. And he could feel their confused gazes on his skin like laser beams. Or at least what he assumed laser beams felt like. It was a sort of prickly burning feeling that made him want to itch every surface of his skin. And then he heard a single set of footsteps approach him and tried to stay as still as he could. Maybe they would leave him alone. He was so tense and afraid that when something suddenly touched his shoulder lightly he let out a startled scream of terror and backed up along the ground on his backside until he hit a wall. He didn't take the towel off yet, still refusing to see his situation. If he was going to die, he really didn't want to see it coming.

His reaction had apparently startled whoever was in here with him because shuffling came from the other side of the cell. The sound of people talking in loud whispers filled the air.

"What the hell was that?" asked a snarky sounding voice

"I think we scared him." Said a softer sounding voice, this one female

"No shit." said a pompous sounding voice

"Who do you think he is?" asked the first voice

"He is not from the planet that was raided. His clothing is to different." said the female voice

"Yeah, about his clothes..." said the third voice before trailing off

"What about his clothing McKay?" asked the first voice of the third

"Well, it's just, I used to have a towel like that back home. And I know I have a robe like that in my closet back at base. And he also looks like he's wearing slippers." the third voice, apparently named McKay, replied

There was a long silence after this before a fourth voice, this one rumbling through the air like a space ship's engine, asked, "Is he from Earth?"

This startled Arthur into making a slight squeaking sound he would deny until the day he died. Considering the situation, that might not be to long a time. He reached up slowly and pulled the corner of his towel away so that he could see out of his left eye while keeping the rest of his face covered. He was a bit surprised to see the people on the other side of the small cell.

There were four of them, and they were all humanoid in shape, three males and one female by the look of it. Three of them wore a strange uniform looking outfit. It was black and gray, as well as a bit form fitting. The outfit had several pockets and strange clips. It was clear that whatever they had carried had been taken from them by whatever aliens were holding them. The fourth member of the party was dressed differently. All his clothing seemed to be made of some sort of animal skin. He was also the tallest and had a head full of dark dreadlocks. His stare caused Arthur to squeak again and put the towel back to it's original position.

"I think you scared him Ronon." said the first voice with a chuckle

"Not my fault if he's a wimp." said the deep voice

"Can you blame the guy?" asked the voice that belonged to McKay, "I mean, we are being held captive by a race of space vampires."

This got a severe reaction from Arthur. As a boy, he had read Dracula at school. It had terrified him to his very core. The thought of your life being drained out of you was terrifying. So it was at hearing there were such a thing as space vampires that he flew to his feet, ripped off his towel, and yelled, "WHAT?"

This reaction seemed to startle his new cell mates because they got into some sort of defensive formation almost instantly. It was intimidating looking and Arthur tried to step back in alarm at their reaction to his reaction, but was reminded that he was already against the wall. His eyes swiveled around the room, trying to find a way out. When they found none they focused on the people across from Arthur once more and took them in. It seemed they had relaxed slightly, but not entirely.

After a few moments of tense silence Arthur cleared his throat awkwardly and gave a feeble wave with the hand holding the towel, "Um...hello there." he said softly

The four beings across from him just blinked at him for a moment. Then one of the assumed males stepped forward slightly and said, "Hey."

And awkward silence fell like a brink upon the cell once more. Arthur cleared his throat. Then he cleared it again. After a third throat clear he said, "So, this is awful isn't it?" he motioned to the room with his towel hand

This got a snort from the being he assumed was McKay, "Yeah, that is an understatement."

Arthur sighed, "Yes, I seem to have a talent for that."

"For what?" asked the first being who had spoken to him

"Understatement." Arthur replied simply, "Um, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but do you know where we are? It's just, I'm a bit new to this universe you see. And I'm not sure if this is normal."

This got another round of blinks before the one he assumed was McKay stepped forward, pushing the others aside, and strode across the cell to stand about 2 feet from Arthur. His eyes were narrowed and his face scrunched into an unattractive frown, "What do you mean new to this universe?"

"Exactly what I said." Arthur replied, "See, I was just minding my own business, flying around, when I was captured by some scientists. While I was trying to get them to let me go they started talking about an alternate universe machine. They were testing it on organic beings, and decided I would be a good test subject. Next thing I know I'm being captured by some strange alien with white skin and black clothing. Have to say, I've had stranger days, but it's still very unpleasant."

It seemed that awkward silences existed in this universe like a plague for it once more descended upon the cell. Then, the being he assumed was McKay, snorted and turned away from him and addressed the others, "He's out of his mind."

"No, I don't think so." Arthur said, "I haven't been mad since that one day I decided to be while stranded on prehistoric Earth last year." he wanted to make it very clear that he was in fact sane now

"Stuck where?" asked the female looking being

"Prehistoric Earth." Arthur answered, "Me and my friend Ford crash landed on it by accident and got stuck there for about 5 years. Then we caught a couch into the space time continuum. After that we saved the universe from the Cricket robots, but that isn't really important right now."

This caused them all to just stare at him. The first being who had spoke then drawled in such a dry voice it would have dried up an ocean, "Right, your perfectly sane."

Arthur ignored the sarcasm and nodded, "Yep." he let the 'P' pop wonderfully just for the fun of it

"Let's just ignore this idiot and find a way out of here before we're all turned into the main course at dinner." said McKay suddenly and went over to the door of the cell and started to prod at the wall for some reason

This reminded Arthur of what had caused him to panic in the first place, space vampires. He took a hesitant step forward, causing them all to look at him again. It made him uncomfortable. He was used to being ignored most of the time. He took another small step and then said, "You mentioned space vampires before. What does that mean?"

This got a shocked silence, which was a relief after the large amount of awkward ones. They were now staring at him in surprise and shock, eyes wide and unbelieving, "You do not know of the Wraith?" asked the female looking being softly, as if to assure her of what she had just heard

"Um, if those are the space vampire aliens, then no I haven't." he took in the looks on their faces, "Is that bad?"

"Not usually no." answered the first man, "But in this case I think it might be."

"Why is that?" Arthur asked

"Because you've been caught by them." he said. He squinted his eyes at Arthur and asked, "Are you really from another universe?"

"Yes. I'm pretty sure I am." Arthur said with a nod

"And in your universe, where do you come from?" Asked the female

"It's really not important. My planet was destroyed by a Vogon fleet to make way for a hyper express bypass." Arthur said simply, "Though, I don't really feel to bad about that anymore. I've met the ancestors of my people, and they were all a bunch of twats."

Once again the group blinked. It seemed they decided to ignore most of what he said and focused on his planet being destroyed, "Before your planet was destroyed, what was it called?" asked McKay, his attention no longer on the wall

"Earth." Arthur said simply, "I was one of the last two humans in the universe. Though I suppose now the only one left there is Trillian." he sighed in resignation, "They probably won't even notice I've gone. I don't think they were ever going to pick me up from where I was anyway."

"Earth was destroyed?" asked McKay with slight horror in his voice

"Yes, to make way for a hyper express bypass." Arthur said with a nod, "But like I said, it's not such a loss as far as the universe is concerned."

"Not such a...as far as the..." McKay seemed to having trouble understanding what Arthur was saying

A look at the faces of the others revealed the same mixture of horror and confusion as McKay's face. It was quit an interesting expression and Arthur fought hard not to smile. It was nice to see it on someone else for a change. He was sure his face had made that face several times over the last 7 years since Earth was destroyed

"When did this happen?" asked the female

"In my perspective or the year it happened? I've hopped around the time stream a bit so there are different answers." Arthur said seriously

"Right, of course you have." mumbled McKay in a sort of lost sounding quiet voice

"The year." the first male being said

"Oh, it's been so long now." Arthur said simply, "But I think it was nineteen eighty something."

"That is a lie." shouted McKay, a sort of victorious smile crossing his face mixed with relief, "It's 2014 right now and I went to Earth last week for a meeting."

* * *

Arthur's eyes widened in surprise. His brain tried to interpret the words he had just head, and failed spectacularly. In reaction to this, his brain shut down completely. The last thing Arthur Dent saw before his legs gave out and the world dissolved into darkness, was the slightly alarmed faces of his cell mates.

As the strange man fell to the floor in a dead faint Teyla ran forward to check on him. She turned him over slowly and checked his pulse and breathing, "He is alive and does not appear to be injured aside from a few bruises."

"Well, isn't that a relief." McKay huffed, "Wouldn't want the crazy guy to be to badly hurt."

"Oh lay off McKay." John Sheppard snapped, "He wouldn't be the first person from an alternate universe we've met. What's so hard to believe about what he said?"

"Because half of the words he used were nonsense. Vogons, Cricket robots, Prehistoric Earth, couches in the space time continuum, it's all nonsense." McKay argued

"But if this guy is crazy, how does he know about Earth in the first place? Why is he dressed in Earth clothing?" John asked

"I like him." Ronon commented. Everyone turned to look at the, until then, silent man, "He's blunt. No bullshit." Ronon said with a nod, "Even if he is a wimp."

Tayla sighed from where she was crouched next to the unconscious man, "It does not matter if he is insane or not. We can not just leave him here. If what he has said is true, then he is truly lost. He will not survive on his own, Wraith aside."

John sighed, "Yeah, I know. We'll just have to take him with us." he turned to McKay who was once again prodding at the wall, "Got anything yet McKay?"

Just then a panel on the wall opened to show glowing wires and flashing lights. McKay gave a triumphant grin, "We'll be out of here in less then a minute."

* * *

"Good." John replied, "Ronon, you can carry that guy." he gestured to the strange man laying on the floor, "We'll head for the ship bay and get back down to the surface of the planet. After that we gate home. Any arguments?" No one spoke as Ronon went across the room and hefted the unconscious man over his shoulder. The door to the cell opened with an excited yelp from McKay, "Alright everyone, move out."

When Arthur was dragged kicking and screaming into the conscious world he moaned. His face hurt and he tried to remember why. Then he remembered fainting after hearing news that Earth still existed in this universe. He moaned again at the embarrassment of the incident. All things considered, he could have taken the news better. Letting out one more moan just for good measure he slowly opened his eyes. He blinked, just to be sure his eyes were indeed open, and confirmed his first thoughts. It was dark. And not just any kind of dark, absolute dark. The kind of dark that you only get when you close your eyes and bury your head about three feet in the ground. It was also strangely silent. But not absolutely silent, just mostly silent. He couldn't hear it, it was more of a feeling really, but he was sure there was some sort of humming coming from all around him.

In the darkness he brought up a hand and touched his face. He winced, or at least he thought he did, it was hard to tell with so much dark. His face was tender and sore. But though it hurt, he was sure nothing was broken. Probably just horrible bruising. It wouldn't be the first time, this he knew. And he also knew, unfortunately, that it wouldn't be the last time. He laid there in the dark and tried to figure anything about the situation out. First, he took stock of his surroundings. Though he could see nothing, he could at least feel what he was laying on. It was soft and warm. He touched it and realized it was some sort of bed. Under his head was what he could only assume was a pillow. There was also a light blanket laid over him that came up to the middle of his torso. His arms had been placed over it in a way that reminded him of those coma patients on day time soap opera's.

The fact that he was on a bed made him feel a bit better about the situation. This was quickly overridden when he realized he didn't know where his towel was. He sat straight up in the dark and started to pat down both himself and the bed around him. His panic grew when he not only failed to locate his towel, but discovered someone had changed his clothing. He didn't know what he was wearing now, but it wasn't his robe and pajamas. It wasn't the right fabric. He wore some sort of cloth pants and shirt with short sleeves. He was sure he blushed upon realizing that he was also wearing a fresh and clean pair of underwear. Someone had changed them for him while he had been out cold. This thought caused him to shiver and curl up in the middle of the bed. The bed had become the only comfort, and island of solidity in a room of darkness. As he sat there and tried to calm down he realized he could smell something wonderfully familiar. It was the smell of soap. He wondered for a few moments where it was coming from before he realized it was coming from him. He touched his hair and skin and realized he was perfectly clean. His beard and long hair were clean and grease free. His skin was no longer covered in dirt and grime. This only added to his embarrassment and mortification that someone had done things to him while he was unconscious. He just hoped they hadn't done anything else to him. He also hoped he would get his towel back soon.

He stayed in the dark for he didn't know how long. But soon the nervousness and mortification gave way to absolute boredom. With a sigh he said quietly to himself, "I wish I could at least see where I am."

As if seeming to hear him the world around him slowly became less dark. The light was low and soft and coming from a few lights in the ceiling, which Arthur could now see. He looked around with renewed shock and curiosity at the now visible surroundings. He was in a decent sized room that reminded him a bit of a hotel room. It was open and wide with only a bed, bed side table, couch, armchair, coffee table and what looked like some sort of screen in the wall. There were a few doors around the walls that Arthur assumed were for a closet, bathroom, and exit. At the thought of a bathroom Arthur suddenly realized just how badly he needed one. He slowly put his feet on the ground, surprised when the shiny floor wasn't cold, and went to the first door. As he walked, he realized that the floor must be slightly heated somehow, and he was happy for that because his slippers were gone.

He opened the door and sighed in defeat when he was met with an empty closet. He quickly moved to the next door and let out a happy sound when he discovered the bathroom. Even better, it was a familiar type of bathroom made for humanoid creatures. He quickly made use of it and then stood in from of the mirror over the sink to look at himself. His new clothing appeared to be medical scrubs that they gave patients in hospitals. It was a light blue color that didn't really appeal to Arthur on a personal level, but at least it was something to wear. His hair, though still a bit out of control, looked much better now that it was clean. The beard however didn't look so great on him. With a curious thought Arthur began to explore the bathroom. He was elated when he found a grooming kit under the sink. It looked like some sort of standard package, everything wrapped in plastic and brand new. Either someone had forgotten it was here and not taken it away or it was left for him. Seeing as it had been at the very back of the cabinet he had found it in, he would guess the former rather then the latter.

He spent the next half hour grooming himself. By the end of it he had shaved off the beard and mustache and but his hair so it was now just above his ears. The haircut was a bit choppy, but other then that he looked alright. Well, the purple bruising around his eyes and nose was a bit off putting, but it was still an improvement. He looked down at the floor that was now covered in hair and felt a bit bad about the mess. After a few moments of thought he gathered as much of the fallen hair as he could with his bare hands and flushed it down the toilet. After that was done he returned to the main room to get a better look around. He had paused to look at the shower in the bathroom but dismissed it. He had already been cleaned. There was no point in wasting time doing it again, even if he didn't remember doing it in the first place.

It didn't take long to inspect the room itself. He had occupied himself for about a minute by making the bed. After that, there really wasn't much else to do. There was nothing in the closet, no drawers to go through, and he couldn't figure out how the screen on the wall worked. So he stood in the center of the dimly lit room and stared at the last door in the room. He was sure it was the exit. After all, what else could it be? But the thing Arthur was unsure of was what would be on the other side. Would it be the space vampires? Did they like to have their meals relaxed and unassuming before they pounced and sucked them dry? The very thought brought chills to Arthur's spine. Of course, this could also all be due to those strange beings who he had met in the cell. He wasn't sure if they were human or not. After all, they looked human and spoke of Earth. And if that McKay bloke was to be believed the Earth was fine and dandy and had never been destroyed. So it was entirely possible that he wasn't an endangered species anymore. Still, best not to get his hopes up.

In the end he decided to just stay put and wait for something to happen. It had worked just as well as going off on his own in his past experience. Either way, something was bound to happen soon. He had just started to doze off while laying on the couch when something did indeed happen. There was a sort of chiming noise that split through the quiet of the room. It was so sudden that Arthur startled. This made him lose his balance where he lay on the couch and fall to the floor with a soft thump, hitting his head lightly on the coffee table as he fell. He groaned as the sudden jolt made his face throb in pain, "Ow." he said quietly to himself as he sat up, getting into a cross-legged position as he rubbed his head where a lump was forming. The noise came again and Arthur looked around, searching for is origin.

It was only after the chime came for a third time followed by a knock on the unopened door that Arthur realized the noise must be some sort of door bell. Someone wanted to enter the room. He didn't know why they didn't just come on it, it's not like the room really belonged to him. But after a fourth chime and a more insistent knock he cleared his throat and called out weakly, "Um...come in?"

The door opened with a whoosh sound and in stepped a familiar figure. It was one of the men from the cell. As the man entered the lighting in the room became brighter and Arthur could see the man perfectly for the first time since meeting him in that dark cell. He had been right about the dark colored uniform. But there seemed to be less of it now, not as many pockets and clips. Arthur assumed this was just a different version, as the pants and boots appeared the same. His features were what Arthur could only describe as elf like, angular and smooth at the same time. His hair was black and looked like he had just gotten out of bed and forgotten to comb it. And he had a wide grin on his face that made Arthur a bit uneasy. At the sight of Arthur on the floor the smile faltered a bit and he asked, "What are you doing on the floor?"

"I fell off the sofa." Arthur answered honestly as he used the coffee table to help him to his feet. As he did so he felt something warm and sticky make it's way down his cheek. At the startled look from the man before him Arthur raised his hand to touch whatever it was. When he pulled his fingers back he frowned at the sight that met his eyes. Apparently, when he hit the coffee table on his way to the floor, he had cut the skin, "Drat." Arthur said simply

"What happened?" the man asked as eh rushed over to examine Arthur closely but gently

"Like I said, fell off the sofa. Hit the table on the way down." Arthur replied as he let the man check him out.

"Doesn't look to bad." the man said, "Let's go to the bathroom and check it out." he guided Arthur into the bathroom and sat him down on the toilet while he wet a washcloth in the sink, "I see you found something to cut and shave with." the man commented

Arthur reached under the sink, between the man's legs, and pulled out the grooming kit, "I found this." he said, "Did someone have this room before me?"

A sort of sad look came over the man's face for a second before his smile returned and he smiled. He brought the wet washcloth to Arthur's forehead and started cleaning the cut there, "Yeah, but he wasn't here very long. Nothing you need to worry about. Lucky you I guess. You look much better now."

Arthur didn't bring it up any farther, as it clearly upset the man for some reason. After several moments of silence the man pulled back and started to rinse out the rag. Before he could speak Arthur blurted out, "Arthur Dent."

The man turned back to him and raised an eyebrow, "What?"

"Arthur Dent. It's my name. That is to say, Arthur Dent is me." Arthur stuttered out nervously as he fidgeted on the toilet seat, "Thanks for cleaning that." he added awkwardly as he motioned to his head

The man's smile seemed to grown and he nodded, "It's nice to meet you Arthur. I'm Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. And don't worry about the cut, it was nothing. Still, we should get you a band aid to cover it. But that can wait tell we get a few things sorted out." he motioned to the bathroom door, "Let's go sit down and talk for a little."

Arthur nodded, "Of course. You must have questions. I know I do."

They left the bathroom and returned to the sitting area. Arthur quickly took the armchair, thinking to himself that sofas had caused him enough trouble in his life and that he would be better off sitting in a chair for the upcoming conversation. He ignored John's raised eyebrow at his actions and set about making himself comfortable in the chair. John took a seat on the corner of the sofa closest to Arthur and began to speak.

"So, back on the Wraith ship, you said some interesting things." John said, clearly not expecting an answer. He cleared this throat, as if to make the words easier coming out, and asked, "Can you explain some of it for me?"

"Which part?" Arthur asked. He had said quite a lot up in the cell.

"The part about the Earth blowing up." John said simply

"Oh, that. I guess that would be a bit confusing seeing as it's still there in this universe. Well, it all started on a Thursday..." And Arthur told of trying to protect his house, a strange conversation in a bar, and the destruction of a planet witnessed by him from a Vogon ship. At the end of the story he looked back up at John from his lap where his eyes had shifted halfway through the story.

John looked stunned and slightly sick. Arthur wasn't sure which part of the story bothered the man but he just let John be for a few moments before asking, "Are you alright?"

John blinked and nodded, "Yeah, sorry, just got a little overwhelmed there. I mean, what kind of people do something like that to a planet with no warning?" John seemed to be speaking to himself but Arthur answered him anyway

"People wouldn't. Vogons would." He stated simply, "Now, do you have any more questions?"

John took a deep breath and nodded, "Yeah. How did you get here? I mean, it didn't sound like you came here on purpose."

"Your right, I didn't." Arthur nodded, "I was just minding my own business, flying and chatting with some birds, when this rope comes out of the sky and lassos me. There were these scientists, at least I think they were scientists. They all had on lab coats. Anyway, these scientists put me in this sort of box thing with a chair in the middle. And then they started talking about how I was the best test subject yet. How they were getting closer to solving the question of alternate universes with every test. Then they said a bunch of other things that I couldn't hear because I was banging on the door and begging to get out. Then there was this loud roar, flash of light, and I'm in the middle of a forest. Then I got caught by those Wraith things and ended up in that cell." Arthur shrugged, "Really though, it could have been worse."

John's face was one of stunned wonder. It had slowly grown that way with each word that Arthur said. If anything, he looked like he now had more questions then answers. So he nodded, took another deep breath, and asked, "Alright, I understood the last half of that. Can you explain the part at the beginning with the flying and talking to birds."

"Oh, well, that's easy." Arthur said with a smile, "I can fly and I took a year learning how to talk to birds. It's like a hobby of mine."

"The flying or the bird talking?" John asked

"Both I guess. They are both so hard to master, I'm telling you. And I had just gotten the hang of it when those scientists got me." Arthur smiled with a little pride, "It's a good thing I had my towel with me." he reached down to his waist and froze when his hand didn't find his towel. And that's when he remembered he hadn't had it since he had woken up here. He looked at John's blank face and asked desperately, "Do you have my towel? It wasn't with me when I woke up and I would really like to have it back. It's important."

This seemed to snap John out of his trance and he looked thankful to have something else to think about, "Your Towel? Oh yeah, I remember." he scratched the back of his head and looked slightly embarrassed, "When we brought you home with us you had to be decontaminated. No offense but we had no idea what kind of stuff a dirty guy like you were might be carrying around. All your stuff was taken to be sanitized and looked over."

"Well when can I get my things back?" Arthur asked anxiously

"I'm not sure really." John answered, "It might take a while. They were so filthy." he suddenly realized that this might be offensive and said quickly, "Not there's anything wrong with that."

"No, your right, filthy." Arthur agreed, "They haven't been cleaned in 7 years. It really is a wonder they haven't fallen apart by now." he sighed, "I really would feel better if I had my towel though."

John nodded with a raised eyebrow and swept off to the bathroom. He returned with a plain white bath towel, "Will this do until you get the other one back?"

Arthur shrugged, "It will have to do." and took it from John

John returned to his seat and asked, "Why do you need a towel so badly?"

"Because it's rule number two of hitchhiking across the galaxy. Always make sure you have your towel." Arthur said as he inspected the towel he had been handed as if examining a classic car for flaws

"You hitchhiked across the galaxy?" John asked in wonder

"Well, not much else to do when your planet gets blown up. Have to find a way to spend your time." Arthur explained, "Mind you, I never really did hitchhike. It was really more that I was dragged along to places no matter what I said."

"And if that's rule number two, whats rule number one?" John was really curious now

"Don't Panic." Arthur stated as he decided the towel would do for now and smiled slightly as he tied it around his waist expertly

John snorted out a laugh that came mostly from shock then any real humor, "I can't say I disagree with that." he shook his head, as if clearing away his thoughts so he could ignore them now but go back to them later when he was alone, "So, I think that's enough questions from me for now. Do you have any questions Arthur?"

Arthur thought for a moment and found he really didn't have to many questions. He thought this must be odd for someone who has just traveled to a different universe were everything was different. But really, with his life the way it was, he had learned to just go with it and everything would eventually sort itself out somehow. So he only asked the few things he thought might come in handy.

"So, the Earth is still around and it's 2014?"

"Yes." John said simply, not seeing any other way to answer such a straightforward question

"And where are we relative to the Earth?" Arthur asked

"The Pegasus Galaxy, next Galaxy over from Earth's. A small planet at the edge of the system." John replied, seeing that what Arthur really wanted right now were facts, not stories like he himself had told

"Is there a name for the planet?"

"No."

"Is there a name for where we are?"

Here, John paused. A strange look came over his face, as if he was nervous to what Arthur's reaction might be to his answer. He then said slowly, clearly, so there was no chance Arthur could misunderstand, "Atlantis."

Arthur blinked. He really hadn't been expecting that. This brought up a few more questions, "The lost city of Atlantis that you hear about on Earth?"

"Yes." John said with a slight nod and a wary look

"Alright. So Atlantis was built by aliens then?" Arthur asked

John simply nodded.

"Right." Arthur said, letting these facts take root in his brain and simply become normal. He had found this was a good way to survive. To much understanding of something often times just made it that much more confusing, "How long am I allowed to stay here before I have to leave?"

John looked confused and asked, "What do you mean leave?"

"Well, I assume you don't want me hanging around. If you just direct me to the nearest space port and give me back my things I can get out of your hair." Arthur explained

John began to look a bit like he had something stuck in his throat that wouldn't come. Then he coughed and once again tried to relax as he said, "Arthur, I don't know what it's like where you come from, but there is nothing like that anywhere in this galaxy. Most of the planets here don't even have electricity, much less intergalactic travel."

Arthur just stared at John in astonishment, "But, the Pegasus Galaxy is one of the most popular tourist destinations in the Universe."

"Not here it isn't." John's voice suddenly became a little darker as he said simply, "In this universe it is all out war."

This shut Arthur up for several moments. He tried to understand what was happening. It took a great many minutes of silence for him to piece together all the information he knew so far. He opened his mouth, closed it again, and then opened it again before he said, "So, everyone is at war with those Wraith things from earlier?" John nodded, "And there are no ships for me to catch out of this galaxy?" John nodded again, "And the people of Atlantis are one of the only races in this galaxy that have the technology to make ships?"

"Well, that last one is a bit complicated." John amended, "But it's a really long story. Let's just say, the people living here now, moved in a few years ago after the original people had been gone for a long time."

Arthur thought about his for a moment before nodding again, "But you do have space ships?"

"Yeah. It's a little more complicated then that but we can cover that later." John got to his feet and said, "I think that's enough questions for the day. You must be hungry, I'll get someone to bring you something."

Arthur stood from his chair and said, "Colonel Sheppard, I have one more question for you."

John stopped at the door and turned to him, "Yes Arthur?"

"Am I a prisoner?" Arthur asked seriously, "That is, do I have to stay in this room?"

John looked a little guilty and nodded, "Just until we get everything figured out." he looked embarrassed as he opened the door and looked back at Arthur, "The guard will bring in your food when it comes." and let the door shut behind him


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning it only took Arthur a few moments to remember where he was and why. He was quit happy about this for several reasons. One of them being that this had been a rare thing for him over the last several years of his life. He would often wake up places he didn't remember falling asleep in thanks to his hitchhiking lifestyle. He had once even woke up at a market where someone was trying to sell him off as fresh meat. He shivered as he pushed the memory away and he went to take a shower. He had been given some better clothing yesterday and quickly changed into it. It looked much like what John had been wearing the day before, except the shirt he wore was white and not black. He thought about what he should do next, seeing as he wasn't allowed to leave the room. He thought and thought for several minutes before he was struck with a very stupid idea. The idea was so stupid, Arthur decided it wasn't a bad idea to try.

And an hour later, when John entered the room with another man, they found Arthur putting his stupid idea to practical applications. He had stripped all the sheets and things off the bed. The furniture was moved about in such a way as to form small walls. The mattress from the bed had been put over it all like a sort of roof. The mattress roof had the blanket draped over it so that all nooks and crannies through which light could get through were cut off. Arthur was safely tucked away inside the strange structure and talking to himself. It was a practice he had picked up while being alone in a cave for 5 years. He was currently discussing different opinions about cheese, but he couldn't remember how he had gotten on that subject in the first place.

Arthur really only became aware someone else was in the room when there was a knocking sound against one of his new walls. It was the one made from the coffee table. The voice of John asked, "Arthur, what are you doing?"

Arthur stayed inside his new fort, refusing to come out of his safe, warm, and dark den, "I'm considering which type of cheese I like best on sandwiches." Arthur replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Why do you ask?"

"Because you built a pillow fort in the middle of the room and are sitting in it talking to yourself. It concerned me." John answered dryly, "Think you can come out for a minute? I have someone I want you to talk to."

Arthur gave a put upon sigh, "I suppose so." he crawled over to a well hidden flap and pushed it aside. He was met with the sight of two sets of knees. He looked up at John and the stranger. The stranger was wearing an almost identical uniform to John, but instead of all black the man had yellow strips on his jacket. He was carrying a small case and a computer pad of some sort. He was about Arthur's size, a bit soft around the middle, and had dark hair that went well with widened blue eyes that showed clear surprise at the situation. Arthur reluctantly got to his feet and presented his hand for the man to shake, "Arthur Dent, pleasure to meet you."

The man blinked before holding out his own hand and taking Arthur's, "Doctor Carson Beckett, at your service."

Arthur beamed at the sound of the man's Scottish accent. It had been a while since he had heard something that reminded him so much of home, "Oh, a Scotsman, wonderful. Haven't seen one in 8 years." Arthur said cheerily, "I'd offer you a seat but they all went into the construction of the Impenetrable Fortress of Flork."

"Flork?" Beckett asked

"Yes. It's a great swear word I learned at a space port in the Transor Nebula. I think it means to stick a lemon into your liver as far as humans are concerned." Arthur said this last part thoughtfully before once again smiling as if everything was normal, "So, what can I do for you?"

"Well," Dr, Beckett said slowly, as if unsure how to say what he needed to, "it relates to your claims of hitchhiking around the universe, or your universe at least."

"They aren't just claims, they're true." Arthur defended, "How else would I have been able to see the end of the universe at a nice restaurant, or been read poetry by a Vogon, or know the answer to life, the universe, and everything?" he looked longingly back at the Impenetrable Fortress of Flork, feeling it might be better to hide in there then stay out here and be made fun of

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." Dr. Beckett quickly apologized, "It's just a bit hard to understand is all. Never heard anything like it."

Arthur nodded, "I can understand that I suppose. It was all a bit confusing for me as well the first time it happened. So, what was it you needed again?"

Dr. Beckett sighed, "I just need to give you a medical check and take a few samples from you." he held up his bag, "Shouldn't take to long."

"Oh, well, if you want to I guess. Not to much interesting about me to be honest." Arthur motioned to his fortress, "Would you like to come inside and do it, it's much cozier in there." he tried to hide the hope in his voice. It may sound silly but he really did like it in there, it was safe, small, and warm.

"Um, no, I don't think there is enough room in there." Dr. Beckett answered with a soothing smile, "How about we just do it out here."

Arthur sighed in defeat, "Alright." he plopped down on the floor right in front of the door to his fortress. He was soon followed down by John and Beckett. Once everyone was settled the doctor reached into his bag and took out what Arthur could only guess was a sort of medical scanner. It looked a lot like one he had seen before while in the Heart of Gold. He sat silently for a few moments, enjoying the silence, before he noticed it. After traveling around the universe and meeting so many different types of beings, Arthur was surprised it took him so long to notice. So he just smiled soothingly at Dr. Beckett and asked, "What is it like being a clone?"

This caused both John and Beckett to jump slightly in shock and a horror stricken look to cross the doctor's face, "WHAT?" they both asked in shock at the same time

"Oh, was I not supposed to mention it?" Arthur asked in embarrassment, "It's so hard to tell depending on the planet. I didn't mean any offense, honest." he was worried he would no longer be welcome for insulting someone and that he would be left on a planet alone and lost

"No, it's just that, how did you know I'm a clone?" Dr. Beckett asked in a shaking voice while John just continued to stare in a strange sort of animal on the road sort of way

"Oh, it's just something you can tell sometimes. It took me a while to spot it, so it's a good job. Was it to expensive to get done? I hear some of the rates can be murder on a bank account...if you have a bank account." Arthur was just hoping that by starting up some small talk this could all continue sooner and he could crawl back into his fortress

"Um, I didn't have it done." Dr. Beckett looked a bit pained to admit this, "I didn't know I was even a clone for about a year. But that's not the point." he examined Arthur in a way that unnerved Arthur slightly. It was as if he was searching for something. He apparently found it because he smiled, "How about we get on with this so you can get back in your Fortress of Flork."

"Oh, that would be lovely doctor, thanks." Arthur felt the tension vanish from the room instantly and he let himself fully relax for once since he had originally emerged from his home made structure.

"Call me Carson, I insist." Carson said as he put the scanner away and took out a needle

"If I let you call me Arthur, will you put that away?" Arthur pointed at the needle, an apprehensive look in his face

"I'm afraid not lad." Carson replied, "But you could tell me a bit more about the universe your from. It really sounds interesting." he checked the needle over before reaching for Arthur's arm

Arthur let the man take it, knowing it wasn't really his choice to say no in the first place. So he tried to distract himself before blurting out, "What kind of drinks do you have around here, as far as alcohol goes?"

"A big drinker are you?" John asked with a grin, "You don't look the type."

"Oh, not me. I only ask because I know of this really strange drink. It was voted the best in all of time and space in my universe. I don't know if I can make it here though." Arthur said, trying his best not to look at the needle slowly coming at him

"Really, it was that good?" John sounded fascinated

"I'm not sure if that's how I would describe it. In fact, I'm not sure if the pleasure of drinking the thing was even taken into account when it was voted that. Everyone I've ever seen drink it acts like they are in a great deal of pain." he winced as he felt the needle go into his arm. He chuckled at the timing of the needle's jab.

"You mean it hurts? Why would anyone drink something that hurts?" John sounded truly confused now

"Well, there are all sorts of beings that inhabit the universe. I do know however, it only takes about three of these drinks to make most beings completely shit faced." he chuckled, "My friend Ford once had five of them and when he woke up he couldn't even remember what planet we were on, and we had been there for a week already."

"What is this thing?" John asked with awe in his voice

"It's called a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. And I'm told it feels like your brain is being smashed out by a slice of lemon that has wrapped itself around a solid gold brick. Not sure what that feels like, but it didn't look like fun." Arthur frowned and thought hard to himself as Carson removed the needle from his arm, the thing now filled with blood. He followed Carson's instructions and held a cotton ball over the small puncture mark

"Sound...awful really." John said

"That's what I said. But who am I to argue with the universe." Arthur shrugged and let out a sort of sad sounding sigh, "I wish Ford was here. He could explain it better and then make you one." Arthur paused to consider this statement before saying, in a shocked voice, "Oh God, I actually miss the crazy idiot. When the hell did that happen?"

Carson chuckled, "Well, from what Colonel Sheppard has told me, Ford sounds like your best friend. He saved you from being destroyed with your planet, must mean he likes you." the doctor was putting away his equipment now, a bright smile on his face

"My best..." Arthur paused and really thought about it. While it was true that Ford could be rude, callous, and completely oblivious to anyone's needs but his own, on occasion he would ask Arthur if he was alright, if he had his towel, or ask if he was hungry. And Arthur realized, over the next few silent moments where he just stared off into space in shock, that Ford Prefect was in fact his best and only friend. And this thought brought with it a whole new range of emotions. Mostly depression and gnawing loneliness because he realized he had come to this conclusion all to late. He could be traveling around with Ford right now, and Arthur was shocked to realize that underneath all the fear of death and terror of the unknown he had really rather enjoyed the adventures. He could be on one right now, if his damn English instincts hadn't demanded he find somewhere quiet to live out his life. And now, he was trapped in a different universe. More then likely he would never see Ford again. This revelation would have brought him to his knees if he hadn't already been sitting down. But Arthur felt he still wasn't low enough to the ground to deal with this so let himself fall backward. His upper body went through the sheet flap door behind him, leaving his legs to stick out while still in their cross legged position.

"Arthur, whats wrong" John sounded distressed at the sudden reaction. Arthur could hear Doctor Beckett moving around and felt a hand on his hip. He didn't move as he was dragged out of the sheet flap and his legs were straightened out.

Arthur just stared up at the blank ceiling as he let all the weight of his new revelation hold him pinned to the floor. For the first time since his planet had been destroyed, he felt truly alone. He let out a small whimpering sound before shutting his eyes and turning the whimper into a loud moan of despair, "Why didn't I see it before?" he wailed

"Arthur, what's wrong? Please, tell me, are you hurt lad?" it was Carson this time. His concerned face appeared in Arthur's line of vision, "Are you in any pain?"

* * *

Arthur let out a huff, "Oh, it's nothing. I just realized I had a best friend for the last 12 years and didn't know it until now, when there is no way for me to ever see him again. And he probably won't even notice I'm missing. I mean, he said he would come and visit me, but I doubt I ever would have seen him again." Arthur felt the pain in his chest grow with every word he spoke, "Oh, why did this have to happen now?" Arthur had a sudden burst of energy and used it to do one simple thing. He got to his hands and knees, crawled into his Impenetrable Fortress of Flork, curled up into a small ball in the center of the small dark space, and tried to ignore everything else.

Carson was feeling incredibly guilty as he followed Sheppard out of the room Arthur was bing held in. they had tried for half an hour to get Arthur to come out of his pillow fort. Arthur had said nothing in response, no matter what they said. When John had tried to go in and get Arthur out, Arthur had managed to kick John firmly in the head. It was more then perfectly clear at that point that Arthur wanted to be left alone and was in no mood to be cheered up. And the whole thing had started because Carson had drawn attention to the fact the Arthur would never see anyone he knew ever again. He felt like such a complete knob.

John patted Carson's shoulder, "Don't look so guilty Carson. It was bound to hit him at some point. Better now then in the middle of an emergency."

Carson sighed, "I suppose your right. Doesn't make me feel much better though. I'm a doctor. I'm supposed to take away pain, not cause it."

"He'll be alright Carson, I'm sure of it. He just needs some time. In the mean time, you can help him by clearing him medically. That way I can take him out of isolation and show him around. It would probably help him to meet new people, try and start a new life." John reasoned

Carson nodded, filled with a new purpose, "Right you are lad. I'll get Dr. Keller's help with the tests. That way we should be done by breakfast tomorrow." He started walking a bit faster, eager to get to the infirmary and start the testing

* * *

John watched him go with a slight smile before heading to the Mission Team Locker Room. He and his team were going back to the planet Arthur had appeared on. McKay was hoping to find traces of whatever sent Arthur to this universe. With any luck they would find something that might be able to send the poor man back home. HE really hoped so. Arthur had already talked about starting his whole life over once before after his version of Earth had been destroyed, and John wasn't sure the poor man could take doing it all over again.

Arthur spent the next two days inside his fort. He refused to come out, even when he was told he could leave the room. Honestly. Arthur didn't see the point in even leaving his fort, much less the room his fort was built in. Anything he had ever learned in his whole life was wrong. The Earth existed, the Pegasus Galaxy was at war, his towel was still missing, and he would never see Ford again. So really, what was the point of trying to start all over again for the second time in his life. He had even refused to eat or drink anything that was brought to him, nor did he respond to any attempts to speak with him. He learned several different voices and names over those 2 days, never seeing anyone to connect them to as he refused to come out. Any attempt to get him out was met with a kick in the face to the intruder, and in one instance a vicious bite to the ankle of a soldier who had tried to come in feet first to avoid the kicking. Other then that Arthur really didn't do much but stare into the darkness of his fort and think over everything that had happened to him since his home had been blown to bits.

* * *

He got a shock the third day when he was woken by a bright stream of light onto his face. His eyes snapped open and it only took him a moment to realize he was surrounded by about 5 men wearing military uniforms, and they were tearing his fort apart. Arthur reacted almost instantly, throwing himself at the closest man with a feral howl. He may be weak from not eating or drinking for two days, but that didn't mean he was a push over. He scratched, bit, kicked, and punched everything that came within reach of him as he tried to defend his now destroyed fort. This lasted for about 2 minutes before he was finally restrained. A man held each of his limbs and the fifth had stepped back to look the situation over. Arthur was pleased to see the man's nose was bleeding rather badly and he looked like Arthur had managed a rather mean looking scratch across the man's left cheek. He continued to struggle slightly, even as he saw Dr. Carson Beckett approach with a needle he was sure was filled with some sort of sedative. There was a slightly pained look on the man's face that said he really didn't want to do this but hoped it would turn out alright. Arthur just growled like a rabid wolf as the needle drew closer and the last thing he saw before his body succumbed to darkness was the sad look on the doctor's face.

The first day on the recently culled planet was not pleasant. John Sheppard's team had been saddened to find the entire village empty, not a single sign of life anywhere. McKay had scanned the planet as best he could with his equipment and confirmed what they had already known, they were the only humans alive on the planet. After accepting this they had searched the town, looking for a place to set up base for the next week of testing McKay needed to do. They set up in what must have been the local tavern, as it was the largest building still standing and it was hardly singed. They set up a camp in the middle of the main room, not far from the bar. After that they went out trying to find where Arthur had appeared. They started out going South and then did a spiral pattern outward for 2 miles, looking for any energy trace. By the time it was getting dark and they were headed back to the abandoned village McKay had pinpointed the direction Arthur must have come from based on slight energy readings. They would go out the next morning and follow the newly discovered trail in the daylight.

The next morning they all lugged the needed equipment down the path of energy that McKay had found. After 2 hours they found what they were looking for. In the middle of a clearing was a huge grouping of exotic particles. If nothing else, this at least proved once and for all that Arthur had been telling the truth. They set up the equipment and while McKay took readings and muttered to himself John and Teyla played cards. Ronon went off to see if there was anything to hunt in the area so they would have something to eat other then military rations and power bars. This continued until nightfall. They woke up the next morning to do it all over again. But that evening he got a report form Atlantis about Arthur. He wasn't pleased and approved the order to force Arthur to go to the infirmary for his own good before he died of dehydration.

After the second day, something strange happened. It was the middle of the night, everyone was asleep except for Ronon who was on watch. Suddenly, through the silence of the night, a loud beeping filled the air. Everyone sat straight up and McKay reached for the scanner next to his head. He looked at it with wide eyes and muttered to himself, "Oh, that can't be good."

"What is it McKay?" John asked seriously

"The clearing, where the equipment is, I set it to run some equations while I slept. It was supposed to alert me when it was finished." McKay said as he pressed a few things on the screen

"So your calculations have discovered something bad?" asked Teyla

"No, they've been thrown off track. Something interfered with their readings, but that can only happen one way." He looked up from the screen, a frown on his face, "Something just flooded the area with new exotic particles. Lots of particles."

"Your saying something else came through form Arthur's universe?" John asked in slight shock

McKay nodded, "Yeah. About a minute ago. And according to these readings, it's headed into the forest already, whatever it is."

"Well, looks like we've got a new visitor. It would be rude not to go and say hello." John reasoned as he picked up his gun from where it had been laying beside him while he slept., "Alright, spread out in search pattern, 20 feet between everyone. We're going to say hello."

They spent the next hour trying to track down the new visitor to their universe. But with the energy readings being so fresh, they covered a very large area. On the scanner it just looked like a giant 3 square mile blob of green and red. They were closing in on the last square mile when a loud yelp of surprise came from the area McKay had been in.

"Rodney." John called out as he and the others shown their flashlights where McKay had been, searching for the man desperately. When their lights hit something, they almost wished they hadn't found him.

He was being held upright, an arm wrapped around this throat tightly, and something was hiding behind him. The only clue they had was the brightly colored sleeve that covered the arm holding McKay tightly. There was also something black and blinking pushed up against the side of McKay's head in a threatening manner, clearly indicating that if anyone tried to come at them McKay would be hurt. As if to confirm this a voice called out, "Take one more step and I set this thing off. You'll have to watch his brain dribble out of his ears like soup. I swear I mean it." the voice was strong and confident, and also had some kind of accent that John had never heard before

"Alright, let's all just calm down." John reasoned, lowering his gun and motioning for Teyla and Ronon to do the same, "No one needs to get hurt here."

"I don't know about that." said the voice stiffly, "The guns and searching through the woods say you were looking to hurt something. And as I'm the only something in these woods as far as I can tell that means you were looking to hurt me." the reasoning was logical, if a bit skewed

"No, we didn't want to hurt anyone. We just wanted to find out what was out here. We brought the guns just in case we needed them." John paused then before asking, "Do we need them?"

There were several moments of silence before the grip on McKay loosened slightly, but the strange weapon continued to point at the man's head, "I suppose that makes sense." there was another short pause before the voice asked, "What were those machines for, in the clearing?"

"They help us collect data on exotic particles." responded McKay now that he could breath normally again

"Exotic particles, like the ones caused by dimensional travel?" the voice asked curiously, "Why would you need so much equipment to measure something like that? Do you not have any better tech?" the voice sounded slightly mocking now, "My, what a backwater universe I've turned up in." there was another pause, "If I let him go, are you going to shoot me?"

John shook his head, "As long as you don't mean us any harm, we won't hurt you. I swear it."

Suddenly McKay was being tossed to the side like a sack of potatoes and a new figure stepped into the light. He was wearing a horrible clash of colors. Nothing matched from his blazer, to the sweater vest, all the way down to a pair of light blue shoes. His skin was pale and his hair a bright ginger color. His eyes seemed wider then normal somehow and they seemed to take in everything in an instant. In one hand he held the small black device which he fiddled with slightly and it stopped blinking. In the other he held the strap of a leather satchel that looked like it had been through hell and back three times. On his face was a smile that made everyone shiver slightly, like he was about to go for their necks with his teeth. While the man put his small black device into his satchel McKay scuttled across the ground and only stood once he was behind John. The man didn't move, just stood there with that same unnerving smile. Then he looked around the forest, as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening, and when he returned his look to John he asked, "Hey, do you have anything to drink around here?"

They led the strange man back to their base camp in the old bar. At the sight of said bar the stranger let out a whoop of delight and ran across the room before jumping over the bar and starting to rummage through everything behind it. He made several disappointed sounds as he checked over the selection, mumbling something about not having any Janx. But he soon found something that when he sniffed it made him smile. He jumped up to sit on the bar, a newly opened bottle of something at his side, and looked at the group expectantly, "So, who are you all then? Why are you taking all those readings and thing?" he took several swigs from whatever was int eh bottle as if it were water

McKay snorted and answered, "Not that I assume you would understand, but we're trying to figure out a way to reverse whatever caused the exotic particles to show up in the first place."

The stranger frowned at McKay, "Don't assume things, it makes an ass of you and me." he sniggered at his joke and the look it brought to McKay's face. Then he took a few more swallows of his drink before asking, "Why would you need to know how to reverse it? Whats in it for you?" he seemed to be fishing for some sort of specific information

John squinted his eyes at the stranger, "Why would that matter to you?"

"No reason really." the man shrugged, giving no indication that he cared either way before finishing off the bottle by his side and reaching back under the bar for another one, "Just curious. I mean, if you can reverse the particles you might be able to send me home. I know that much. But depending on what I find in this universe, I might not care one way or the other if I can ever go back." Once again he took several swallows of his drink before screwing up his face as a thought that seemed to cross his mind, "Your not trying to use it as an energy source are you? Cause I'll tell you right now, the last time I heard about someone trying that they blew up half a solar system. Nasty stuff to be messing with, exotic particles." he caught sight of McKay wincing, "Oh, I see you already know that. Good." and with that he turned his back to them all, slid down behind the bar, and didn't come back out. His voice called out one last time, "Night." and then all was silent

John and his team found no real reason to disturb the man, but they took double watch just in case. It was only an hour later that they all realized they had never asked the man his name, and visa versa. Ronon also mentioned the fact that the man hadn't blinked once since they had gotten back to the bar.

The next morning was quiet for all of 5 minutes. Once the food was ready though the stranger was leaping over the bar and taking a serving without a word. He returned to where he had been sitting on the bar the night before, another new bottle of alcohol at his side as he ate the porridge quickly and without complaint. After a few minutes of silence John asked, "Who are you?"

"No one of any importance as far as the universe goes." the man answered as he scrapped the last of his breakfast from his bowl. Once it was completely empty he tossed it aside without a single glance, ignoring the sound it made as it fit the wall and fell to the floor, "Well, my universe at least." he pointed at John, "But more importantly, who are you? You and your friends who study exotic particles, even though it's clear only one of you is a scientist. And judging from your reaction last night, you've already had experience in messing with the nasty things. So the real question is, why would you go through the trouble of messing with them again?"

They were all stunned by this logic. It was crisp and straight and clearly well thought out. It was also closer to accurate then any of them were really comfortable with at the moment when a strange man was just watching them intently while drinking wine like it was water. Teyla cleared her throat, "We are trying to help someone like you. A traveler from a different universe. He is stuck here, quit by accident."

"I wouldn't call it an accident if it's who I think it is." answered the stranger, "This person your trying to help, is his name Arthur Dent?"

The room was silent with shock as the stranger just finished his wine like he had said nothing shocking or strange in the least. While he reached for yet another bottle John got his senses back, "You know Arthur?" he asked slowly. The man nodded as he opened the new bottle and started to drink, "How?"

"I don't see how that is any of your business." the man said with a snort

"It's our business because Arthur is under out protection at the moment. We need to know if you mean him any harm." Teyla explained sternly

"Me, hurt Arthur, never." the man paused to think about his words before saying with a shrug, "Well, almost never. But those were all accidents anyway, nothing to be done about it. But then, what's a few bumps and bruises between friends." he drank more wine

John's eyes narrowed in suspicion then and he asked slowly, "Your his friend?" the man nodded, "Are you sure?" the man nodded again, this time looking a bit insulted, "Is your name Ford Prefect?"

The man's eyes widened, "How in the zarking hell did you know that?"

"Because Arthur told me about you." John answered with a slight smile, "He really misses you."

The man, now known as Ford, looked confused, "How do you know that?"

"Because he had a bit of a break down when he realized he would never see you again." John looked a bit sad as he spoke, "I got a report yesterday evening that he refuses to speak to anyone and won't eat his food. Last night I gave permission for him to be moved to the infirmary this morning, whether he wanted to go or not."

Ford looked horrified, "Oh Zarquon." he muttered to himself. He quickly brought the wine in his hand to his lips and guzzled the whole thing down in one go. He tossed the bottle so it hit a wall and shattered before jumping off the bar and demanding, "Where is he, I need to see him."

"He's on Atlantis." John answered simply

"Really?" Ford looked confused for a moment before he shook his head to focus his thought, "No, not important right now. I need you to tell me everything and then take me to him. I also might need a few things to get through to him." he paused and then asked, "You wouldn't happen to have any tea around would you?"


	3. Chapter 3

Carson looked at his patient, a pain forming in his chest at the sight before him. Arthur Dent was laying in the bed, strapped down tightly, an IV in his arm and a furious look on his face. Carson was just happy the man had stopped thrashing around trying to get away. He knew he couldn't get a tube down the man's throat so he had put in place an IV to give him everything he needed. But when Arthur had woken up he had tried to pull it out and head for the metaphorical hills. Now the man was just silently fuming at his current predicament. Carson had tried to explain to Arthur what was happening and why but the man had just growled at him and looked away. Clearly he just wanted to be left alone. But as a doctor, Carson just couldn't ignore someone who was trying to destroy themselves. And so he kept a watch on Arthur Dent all morning and afternoon. He heard the announcement that Sheppard's team had returned and expected them to come check on Arthur any minute. He was not, however, expecting the man who ran into the infirmary like a bat out of hell.

The man was dressed in clashing colors that made Carson's eyes water slightly. He had bright ginger hair and was holding a satchel. He looked around the room frantically before his eyes landed on Arthur. Then he shouted, "Arthur." happily and rushed over to said man's bed side. Arthur looked completely broken at the sight of the man, tears forming in his eyes. This caused the stranger to freeze, mid way to reaching for Arthur's shoulder, "Arthur, what's wrong?" the stranger asked in concern

"Your not real." Arthur said in a broken voice, "You can't be. Your back home, in my universe. I'm never going to see you again. I really have gone fully mad this time." Arthur let out a watery sounding laugh, the tears falling from his eyes, "I thought madness would be a bit more pleasant, less cruel."

"Arthur, I'm really hear, honest." the stranger said seriously, slowly reaching out for Arthur, "Just take a deep breath and tell me the rules." the stranger didn't touch Arthur, clearly aware this might cause Arthur to snap somehow. But his fingers hovered so close to Arthur's shoulder that he might as well have been

"Ford..." Arthur's voice sounded so broken it almost caused Carson's heart to break

And then Carson recognized the name. Ford was the name of his best friend. The name of the man who had caused Arthur to collapse upon realizing he would never see him again. And yet, despite all odds, that same man appeared to be in his infirmary. He looked over at the entrance to the infirmary when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. There stood Sheppard's team, or at least most of it. John was missing, god only knew why. He made as if to ask them questions but Teyla held up a hand to show right now was not the time and they all continued to watch the reunion.

"What are the rules Arthur?" Ford asked again, voice slightly more serious, "Tell me the rules."

Arthur nodded as a small, sad smile crossed his face, "Don't panic, that's rule one." Arthur said softly. Ford nodded and Arthur continued, "Always know where your towel is." Ford nodded again, giving a small smile, "And stay away from Vogons."

Ford let out a little laugh, "Way to go monkey man, you got them all in one try." he gave a wide toothy smile

Arthur frowned, "But I didn't follow the rules." Arthur said brokenly, "They took my towel Ford. I tried asking for it back, they said they would bring it, but they never did." he sounded frantic by the end of his sentence

This time Ford did touch Arthur, just a soft touch on the man's shoulder, "Arthur, don't panic, rule one. Just breath and try to figure out what is happening right now. Here, this should help." Carson watched as Ford reached into a satchel at his side and the man pulled out a ratty towel that looked like it used to have some sort of floral print on it. Carson was tempted to run over and take the thing to be burned. Nothing so dirty was ever allowed in the infirmary if Carson could help it, which he couldn't at the moment because Arthur had quickly taken hold of the thing and was hugging it to his chest like the greatest treasure, "There you go Arthur, just breath."

After several moments of silence Arthur took another look at Ford, a look of hope so plain and desperate that if made Carson choke on nothing but the emotions welling up inside him, "Ford, is that really you?"

"It's really me you stupid primate." Ford said with a smirk, "Who else would be froody enough to snap you our of your funk." he gave Arthur's shoulder a reassuring pat, "Don't worry, I've got a guy getting you some tea right now, as well as your towel, that should help calm you down. And once your calmed down, I'll explain how I got here and what we're going to do next. Does that sound alright?"

Arthur gave a laugh and relaxed back onto the bed, "That sounds like a lovely idea."

* * *

Carson smiled slightly to himself as he saw the example of friendship before him. It warmed his heart to know that now both men were in the good hands of each other. It was clear they needed one another.

Ford stared at his friend in shock, hoping his eyes were tricking him. Arthur was pale and sick looking, the undersides of his eyes so dark he could pass for a raccoon. John Sheppard had told him all about how they had saved Arthur from a Wraith ship. He was both grateful for the news and hateful of it at the same time. He had really liked the Pegasus Galaxy in his own universe, always had such great parties, figured it would go to shit in another one. He was however just happy that his friend had survived, however lucky that escaped happened to be. He would forever be amazed at the luck Arthur seemed to posses as far a surviving went, he just hope it continued to exist for as long as Ford's own luck held out.

He just watched Arthur try and relax while holding Ford's towel. As far as uses went, this was always one of the most important. No matter how much hitchhikers claimed to love the freedom of traveling the universe without any attachments, there was always one they could never avoid. The attachment they got to their constant traveling companions, the towels. Many towels were modified to be helpful in every instance. But Ford had limited himself to the amount of modifications, as he was a bit of a tourist. He had just enforced the seams, added a writing implement, some wire, and a corner dipped in nutrients in case of emergencies. But the best use for a towel was and always will be to comfort it's owner. The fact that all Arthur had left of his planet was in fact a towel and some pajamas didn't help the stress the man was feeling right now. Ford dreaded to think what would have happened to Arthur if Ford hadn't found him.

He was distracted from his thoughts when that Sheppard fellow showed up with a steaming mug of what could only be tea. He had been very specific when telling the man how to make it, knowing just how Arthur liked it after hearing the man himself go on about it for years. He just nodded at Sheppard, took the mug, and offered it to Arthur. He also notice, and thanked Zarquon that the man had also brought Arthur's towel, obviously freshly cleaned. He offered it along with the tea. Arthur slowly reached out and took the tea and towel with reverence. Arthur looked at the mug suspiciously before taking a hesitant sip. It was clear he expected to be disappointed as he had been so many times over the years.

The single sip of tea caused Arthur to make a noise that would have made Ford blush if he weren't the experienced traveler that he was. He smirked when he heard a choked sound behind him and knew that everyone in the room had heard that sound and hadn't taken it as calmly as he had. He shot a smug look over his shoulder at the blushing faces of all present and said, "You'll have to forgive Arthur. He hasn't had a good cuppa in almost a decade." he saw the man he assumed was a doctor wince at that and decided he must be from somewhere near England. Only the British really held a proper appreciation for tea, as Arthur had reminded him several times. Ford just continued to watch Arthur drink his tea, make pornographic sounds of delight, and clutch his own towel like it was a lifeline. Ford took this opportunity to take his own towel back and put it back in his satchel. He wasn't surprised that as soon as the tea was finished Arthur dropped off into a deep sleep only reachable by the truly exhausted.

Once he was sure Arthur was dead to the world he slumped in the hospital chair and sighed. He felt like he could do with a bit of sleep himself after all this stress. But he ignored this feeling and got to his feet, giving the whole room a smile he had discovered caused Earthlings a bit of distress. He really had missed the looks people would give him when he smiled at them like that. It was one of the few things about Earth that he really missed, "Thank you so much for looking after Arthur. I know it can't have been easy. Zarquon knows he can be a right pain in the ass for a human sometimes."

"For a human?" asked the man he thought must be a doctor. And judging by the accent, he was Scottish, which explained his reaction to the thing about the tea. While the Scottish weren't as avid tea drinkers as the English, they at least got the importance of it.

"Yes, for a human." Ford said with a nod, "Now, I expect you all have questions. I have to warn you though, I may drop off at any moment so you better be quick."

The Scott blinked before nodding, "Well, before all that, we need to do some tests on you. It's all standard for anyone who comes through the Star Gate. Just pick a bed and hop up, someone will be with you shortly." the man rounded on the team belonging to Colonel Sheppard, who had been trying to sneak away, "That means you lot as well I hope you know."

Ford just snickered as the humans complained like children before each going to their own beds and sitting down. Ford picked the one next to Arthur and sat on it patiently waiting for someone to see to him. He smiled a little less sharply when a red headed young woman came forward and smiled kindly at him.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Keller, head of the medical department on Atlantis. Would you be alright with me running a few test?" she asked this in a way that made it clear that Ford would have to do the test whether he wanted to or not.

Ford liked her instantly, "No problem at all." he said, "Though I think I should tell you up front that, though I may look it, I am not in fact human. I'm from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse." No use hiding that fact. They might think he had some sort of disease or something once they got a look at his blood

Dr. Keller took this calmly and nodded, "Anything I need to know that I might find unusual?"

"Oh, just a few things." Ford admitted. He explained to him the difference in internal organs, core temperature, antibodies, and a few other things. While he explained it all to her she scanned him with a few different machines Ford had never seen before. When the needle came out he sighed, "You have all this tech and you still need the needle? Your methods are a bit archaic."

Keller frowned, "Well, most of this technology was here when we got here. Anything we can't figure out is put aside until we do. Until we find something to use besides needles, we continue to use them."

* * *

Ford nodded, it was a sensible thing. He knew well how messing with unknown technology could get a person into big trouble. He also knew several different races that would not have done the same thing. As much as humans could be annoying about safety sometimes, it would occasionally come in handy. He let her take a few vials of blood before laying down on the bed he sat on, clutching his satchel to his chest protectively, and fell into his own deep sleep. Before doing so he addressed the room, "I am going to sleep now. If you wake me up before I'm ready, I'll punch your zarking lights out." and then was out cold

John watched as the two universe hoppers slept peacefully on the infirmary beds. He was a bit upset that Ford had fallen asleep before really answering any questions. They had tried to get some answers out of him on the other planet but he had refused to say anything more before seeing his friend alive and well. Sheppard had to admit, he didn't expect Arthur to look so sickly. He must have been worse off then John had originally thought. And from what the others were telling him, the pair were very close. He recognized this sort of friendship as one forged through dangerous near death experiences. He hoped he could hear a few of those stories soon. He also wondered if Ford had this Guide that Arthur had gone on about. It sounded like a damn good read, even if it wasn't really relevant in this universe.

After his medical examination was over and passed he went to report to Woolsey. The man had been shocked when the Gate had opened on Atlantis. They had hardly had time to tell Chuck they had an extra friendly before Ford had barged through the glowing portal and started demanding to be led to Arthur that instant. He had ignored all the guns pointed at him out of reflex at his angry shouting and had started trying to leave the room. After much yelling by both Ford, the soldiers, and Woolsey himself, John had given Ford directions and sent his team after the running man. He promised Woolsey he would give him an update on the situation once he had made some tea and gotten checked out by Carson. He smiled at the memory of the confused look on the base commander's face. He was not surprised to see Woolsey was waiting for him in his office.

"Report Colonel." he said simply, looking anxious and expectant

"Well sir, while monitoring the exotic particles on the planet, we had an unexpected guest show up. He just popped up out of nowhere last night. After everything was cleared up and we all knew no one was going to hurt anyone else, he came back with us to base camp. He didn't really tell us anything until morning. Once we told him we had Arthur he went a bit nuts. Wouldn't tell us how he got here or anything else we asked aside from two things. That his name was Ford Prefect, and that he wanted to see Arthur Dent. He made a few demands, which have already been met, and then demanded we take him to our ship. We had to explain Gate travel to him, he seemed to find it a bit primitive but said it would do." John said all of this with a straight face

"Primitive?" Woolsey asked

"Yes sir. He mentioned something about Improbability Drives and something called Bistromathics." John let out a small smile before he said, "He also says he isn't human, and medical test confirm this. He is an alien from somewhere near Betelgeuse in his home universe."

Woolsey nodded, looking a bit overwhelmed, "I see, very well." he composed himself, "Do you think either of them is a threat?"

John snorted, "Honestly sir, I don't know. I think they are friends who have gone through a lot. I think they're smart and know things that might make our heads spin, whether it's true in this universe or not. Also, I think Ford Prefect might be smarter then he lets on, we might learn something about space ship travel from him. My advise on how to handle them would be to treat them like guests. If we can't send them home, we might have to introduce them to Earth, just to give them the option. Honestly, I think they're just a pair of guys that really like to travel."

Woolsey sighed in a way that expressed all the pressure of his position, "Very well Colonel, I'll think the matter over. In the mean time, give them a double room in the soldiers quarters and see what they can do. Give the scientists a chance to question them and see what sort of skills they have as far as combat goes. Other then that, I think it would be best to have them escorted until further notice."

* * *

John nodded, "My thoughts exactly sir. I'll get right on arranging things." John turned on his heel and left, heading for McKay's lab to set up a schedule

The next few days were spent in the infirmary. Arthur was slowly recovering from his forced isolation slowly but surely. The fact that he now had his towel back helped. The fact that he could now have tea whenever he asked was a huge help. But the fact that he was no longer alone and Ford was there with him was an astronomical help to his recovery. Ford would spend the days telling Arthur about things he had done since they had last met. But the first thing he told Arthur the day after he arrived, was how he had gotten here in the first place.

"See, it's been about 2 years for me since I've seen you. And I finally realized, it just wasn't as much fun traveling without you. No one to complain about dieing or compliment me when I do something cool. No one to show off to either, a bit of a downer. So I went to find you. But when I got to where we left you, I got a bit of a shock. They told me no one had seen you in a zarking year. I mean, Belgium Arthur, I was shocked. They told me you had traveled to the other side of the planet to practice flying and bird talk, we are going to talk about the flying later by the way. They assumed when you didn't come back you had been caught by a bunch of outlaw scientists. So of course I went looking for you." Ford said this part as if it was the most obvious thin in existence

"Why, did you miss me that much?" Arthur gave a slightly cheeky grin

The cheeky grin was returned, but Ford's had been wider and more obvious, "No, I just wanted my monkey back." he winked which had caused Arthur to laugh, "So, anyway, I went to check it out. I found a bunch of nutty scientists, all crackers. They were just running around and writing things on trees. The forest looks like a bunch of math books turned back into trees. I cornered one of them when he went off on his own to look for food. After a little...persuasion, he admitted to sending something like you through the machine. Well, there was only one thing left to do after that. I had to come get you. So, I volunteered to be a subject for testing as long as they sent me where they sent you. Those guys were ecstatic. I show up on this planet, meet that team, and here I am to save your sanity." He held his arms wide as if expecting applause

"Ironic you came to keep me sane, when your always the one driving me crazy." Arthur joked as he finished a fresh cup of tea with a sigh of contentment

Ford snorted, "I know right." he looked around the mostly empty room, "Arthur, what can you tell me about this place?"

So Arthur told him everything he had learned since he had arrived. Ford had just shaken his head at the mention of so many wars and said, "Busy little monkeys aren't they." to which Arthur had flicked Ford's ear, "Still, clever to have figured so much out with so little to go off of. I'm mildly impressed."

"Oh won't they be so proud that they impressed you." Arthur joked

When Arthur was allowed to leave the infirmary, the pair quickly lost their escort and went exploring around the city. It was incredible, even Ford had to admit that. The buildings, the colors, the sky, and most of all the sea. They had found a private place out on one of the piers and just sat there, legs hanging over the side, and watching the sun play on the indescribably blue water. The sound of the ocean was soothing to both of them. They may not have seemed like it, but they did miss their universe. But they were alright for now. They had a place to stay and each other, so it wasn't so bad.

They were never caught as such, simply turned up for lunch. They had walked into the cafeteria area and had ignored the stunned stares they were getting, ignored the radio calls being made about them and filled their trays before taking a seat on an outside balcony. Arthur was just taking his first sip of a fresh cup of tea when John Sheppard came over to stand by their table, a stern look on his face, "Where the hell did you two go?"

Arthur ignored John, knowing Ford would take care of it. He was very good at this kind of thing, "Well, we just wanted to look around. And escorts, while flattering, are not needed for that. So we ditched him and went exploring. Ended up on a pier somewhere for about an hour. Then we got hungry, so here we are." Ford paused to take a bite of his food before chewing slowly and swallowing, "Hey, you said we had a room right?" he gave a perfectly innocent face that was ruined by a mischievous grin

John just stared at Ford for a second before looking over at Arthur, as if asking for help. Arthur just smiled and shrugged, as if to say, "What can you do?". John sighed and nodded, "Yeah, you got a room a few halls over. Even got you a balcony, not that you deserve it after what you pulled." he gave them a pleading sort of look, "Look, I get it, you don't like the escort thing. But you have to put up with it, it's regulations and stuff. If you don't let yourselves be followed around I'll have to lock you in a room, and I really don't want to do that."

Ford gave a put upon sigh, "Fine, but could you at least make it a nice looking girl?"

* * *

Arthur choked on his tea while laughing at the look that came over John's face.

McKay looked at the two men, well, one man and one Betelgeusean, who stood in the middle of the first science lab that wanted at the pair of universe hoppers. It was his job to keep an eye on the pair. John had said to keep a close eye on them as they had slipped away from several guards already, except the female ones. Rodney sighed one last time before he began to speak, "So, you guys are from an advanced universe, right?"

Arthur sort of nodded, as if unsure he like where this question might lead. Ford however nodded like a maniac and opened his mouth to answer, "Oh, yeah, tons of tech everywhere. Time travel, hyper space, Improbability drive, Holographic employment, teleporter, all kinds of fun stuff." he pointed out the door and down the hallway at the teleporter, "But I have to say, yours are better then most. You can't even feel your atoms moving, it's great."

McKay just stared at this strange alien in shock for a few moments before simply nodding, "Right, well, can you explain some of it or write anything down that might help us better understand it all?"

Arthur and Ford looked at each other in shock at this question, and then erupted into loud laughter, leaning on each other for support at the apparent absurdity of the question, "Are you out of your mind monkey?" Ford asked between gasps for breath, ignoring McKay's own gasps at the insult, "We're a couple of hitchhikers, not scientists. I mean, true, we know a lot of stuff, that doesn't mean we sass how the zarking stuff works."

"Sass?" McKay let out, now glad that he had decided to do this alone

"Know, you know." Arthur supplied, "Look, every race in creation figured these kinds of things out for themselves, I'm sure you'll do fine." he gave a slight smile, "Sorry." he shrugged

"I've got to go with Arthur on this. I've seen the results of races getting to advanced before they were ready and it only ends going up in smoke, and sometimes a really pretty explosion as well." Ford added as if remembering something wonderful to look at, "So really, it's all for the best."

McKay tried and failed not to feel disappointed by these words. And while he admitted they made sense, that didn't mean he had to like them. So he let out a frustrated sigh, "Is there anything you can teach us, anything at all?"

Arthur held up a hand like a preschooler and waited for McKay to point at him while raising an eyebrow at the childish behavior. Arthur smiled wide and puffed up his chest, "I can teach you how to fly."

"We already have spaceships, we don't need anything else to fly with." McKay said as if talking to the child Arthur had been acting like when raising his hand

"No, not with ships." Arthur said quick, "Just fly, through the air, with nothing but yourself."

"You mastered it then?" Ford asked, "That's fantastic. I tried for two years in Prehistoric Africa and never could get the hang of it, remember?"

"Are you saying you can fly, like a super hero or something?" McKay sounded both offended and sympathetic to the stupidity he felt was filling the room

Arthur nodded and smiled a bit wider, "That's right, and I'm not to bad at it if I say so myself."

McKay just stared at the pair before motioning to the door, "Just get out and get lost somewhere in the city." he said in a blank voice, his brain crying out with the pain of the headache he was forming slowly at the back of his brain the longer he stayed in the same room with the pair of universe hoppers.

Ford shrugged, "Your loss." he turned to Arthur, "Lets go see if you can teach me to fly." and the pair left the room talking about where to practice

An hour later when Sheppard showed up he wasn't surprised to see McKay alone in the room. He was surprised to see McKay laying flat on his back in the middle of the room staring blankly at the ceiling in the dark, "Rodney, you alright?"

"Fine, just trying to recover from the stupidity induced headache I got after spending 5 minutes with those two." McKay replied

"Yeah, I've been getting complaints about those from the people sent to escort them." he sighed and McKay looked at him, "I don't suppose you know where they went."

* * *

"They went off to practice flying without spaceships." McKay said as if it pained him to speak the words

The pair were, of course, eventually located. They had found a small balcony and were listening to music. There were two odd things about this. The first shocking thing was that the music could easily be identified as Elvis Presley and Ford seemed very moved by it as he danced tenderly around with his towel. Arthur had just been watching the ocean and singing along with the music under his breath. The second strange thing was where the music was coming from. A small, black, thin, square, book-like object was emitting the music with perfect clarity. When a soldier had reached for the strange object Ford had reacted by rushing over and crouching over it like a dog guarding a bone. The soldier would later swear he had heard Ford let out a low growl as well. After hearing about the object, it suddenly occurred to everyone that they had never searched Ford's satchel for anything dangerous or threatening like they normally would have. For some reason the thought had just never occurred to anyone. If Arthur had been asked why this was, which he wasn't, he would have just shrugged and said, "That's just the way it is with Ford."

This of course led to the immediate demand for Ford to hand over his satchel for inspection and explain anything found inside that no one could identify. Ford's response to this was, as one would expect, not a calm or excepting one. He had begun to yell at anyone who came near him in a strange language no one but Arthur seemed to understand while running around and dodging any attempt made to get a hold of him. From Arthur's own reaction to the shouting, which consisted of lots of blushing, gasps of shock, and the occasional giggle, it was clear that whatever Ford was saying wasn't flattering to anyone in the least. The confrontation had ended with Ford biting someone who had gotten to close hard enough to draw blood and shouting something that made Arthur blush harder then ever and stutter out, "Now really Ford." Unfortunately for Ford, he had chosen the wrong person to bite. The man had yowled in pain, pulled out a strange looking gun, and shot Ford Prefect point blank in the chest with a strange blue light that caused the Betelgeusean to crumple to the floor instantly.

Arthur's own reaction to this surprised even himself. He let out an angry yell and had tackled the soldier with all 6 feet of his body and punched the man in the face several times before he was dragged off by a few other men, "You absolute zarking swut of a Zarquon singing fish." Arthur yelled, trying to think of any words Ford had ever used that got reactions out of many different beings. This of course sounded like nonsense to everyone in the room other then himself

But all motion froze when a weak sounding giggle came from the crumpled form of Ford and he flopped onto his back, "Arthur, I didn't know you could talk like that. It's a laugh mate." he giggled for a solid minute before asking, "What did you shoot me with? It's wonderful." and giggled some more

Arthur was relieved and instantly relaxed, while the rest of the room just stared in stunned silence at the awake and clearly high Ford Prefect. One soldier took the moment to rush forward and take Ford's satchel. Ford didn't seem to notice and just continued to giggle. John Sheppard motioned for Arthur to be released and asked, "Does he always act like that when hit with a stun ray?"

Arthur just shrugged, "He might, I don't know. I've never seen him hit with one." he ambled over to his friend, sat down on the ground next to him, and said simply with a wicked grin, "Hey Ford." Ford looked at him, trying to control his giggling, "42" Arthur said simply

* * *

The room was instantly filled with the sound of belly shaking laughter. Ford looked like he could hardly breath and had tears forming in his eyes as he clutched his gut as it cramped. Everyone just watched this, completely stunned and confused as to this reaction from the stating of a simple number.

Meanwhile, the soldier with the satchel was running down the hall in the direction of the science lab. He didn't know how long the strange alien would be out of it, but he didn't want to have the satchel when whatever it was wore off. So he was trying to get to the main science lab as fast as he could. When he got there he simply put the bag down on a table, said, "Take it." and ran off to get to the other side of the city as soon as he could.

The scientists ignored this odd behavior and fell upon the bag with eager hands. Once everything was laid out neatly on the table, they took a really good look at what they had found. There was something that McKay instantly pointed at and said, "That's some kind of weapon, he threatened me with it before. Said it could literally make your brain dribble out your ears." this had caused a bit of a tense stir in the room and the object was instantly put into a glass box, out of reach of accidental touching. There was also the towel Ford always carried, a few old looking screen plays, some matches, a strange jar with what looked like little yellow fish in it, a clean pair of socks, half a sandwich that was starting to grow some mold, and the strange black object that the soldiers said could play music. Everything was set aside apart from the jar of fish, and the black object. The fish were sent off to the biologists down the hall.

The black object was the first thing to be checked out. When turned over it showed, in light up, friendly looking letters, the words Don't Panic. At this sight McKay's eyes had lit up and he said, "This must be that Guide thing they mention sometimes. I know rule one is Don't Panic."

"Seems like sound advice." Commented Zelenka warily, "Didn't they say we shouldn't look at it because to much information might ruin our civilization?" he sounded like he knew his words would be ignored, he wasn't disappointed as McKay picked the thing up, opened it, and started pressing the screen

McKay remembered the strange pair mentioning something called Bistromathics and typed that into the search bar. He spent the next half hour reading what was written on it. When he was finished he closed the Guide, put it on a table, and then plopped onto the floor to sit cross legged and stare at nothing for the next hour no matter how much anyone tried to get his attention. When he came out of his trance he simply said, "It's to much," and put the Guide back inside the satchel with the matches, towel, screenplays, and socks, "No one else look at this thing." he had ordered before going over to the small black device encased in a glass box and started running scans on it while ignoring every question he was asked. It only took him 15 minutes to realize that the thing was in fact not a weapon but some sort of signal interception device. As far as he could tell it would pick up transmissions at tremendous distances and then do something with them. He was close to figuring out just what that was when the door to the lab opened and an absolutely livid Ford stormed in screaming at everyone.

Ford made his way around the room, giving everyone their own personal insult, before he stopped next to McKay, pointed at the small black object, and said, "Return my new hyper thumb at once." McKay had been so stunned that he had done as Ford asked. The whole room had watched silently as Ford had taken it, looked through his satchel, frowned and asked, "Where are my fish?" Zelenka had given him directions to the biology labs and then Ford had left with his satchel in a huff.

* * *

The record would state a few different things about this whole affair. The first thing being that Ford Prefect didn't carry anything that could be considered a real weapon as far as anyone could tell. The second thing was that the little yellow fish Ford carried around were in fact some sort of universal translator but no one really wanted or needed to try it at the moment. And the last thing was that when Betelgeuseans are hit with Wraith stunners it does something to their brains that causes the same effect as doing marijuana for about an hour and a half. No one was really surprised that the next time inventory was done there was a stunner missing, and no one really cared.

It really was amazing that nothing to horrible had happened in the week that Arthur and Ford had been running around the city confusing the hell out of everyone. Most of the people living in Atlantis had just decided to take everything the pair said as fact and not ask any questions, as they were clearly both more then a tiny bit insane. At meal times soldiers would gather around a table in the middle of the cafeteria and listen to Ford tell stories of his travels with the occasional comment from Arthur about what had actually happened. During the day they would be assigned an escort. If it was a female then the pair would behave and allow her to show them around at her own pace. But if they were assigned a male escort the poor man would be ditched after three turns down hallways and the search would be on. After the first 7 times this happened, people just stopped looking. The only reason escorts were still assigned was that they wanted to at least try and look like they were following protocol for their reports.

And that was another thing, the reports. The weekly check in with Earth was scheduled a few minutes from now, and Richard Woolsey wasn't really looking forward to it. He was sure that once the reports were read he would be getting a call back. He wasn't really sure what to say about the pair, having met them officially once and not understood most of what they had said, so he was relying on the reports. He knew the situation wouldn't be completely unexpected, things like alternate universes and time travel happened on occasion in a job like working for the SGC. But the stories they had told and the things they knew yet refused to share might cause some problems. His main worry was that they would be ordered to take the information by force. It was an unlikely order, but if the slime bureaucrats got involved and let the politicians know everything then it could possibly happen. He just hoped for Arthur and Ford's sake that that didn't happen. Because if it did, there was nothing Woolsey would be able to do to stop it.

After he had sent off the reports Richard Woolsey sat at his desk and started to count the minutes until the call back came. He had only gotten to 22 minutes when the gate opened again. It was quicker then he had expected. He went to the control area and waited to establish video connection with the SGC. And there he was, General Jack O'Neill, looking a bit unhappy and confused, "General." Woolsey said simply

"Woolsey." O'Neill replied while nodding, "I got your report a few minutes ago, it's and interesting read."

"Yes, I know." Woolsey replied, trying to keep his face calm even as sweat trickled down the back of his neck

"Yeah, these two guys you found, the universe travelers, they sound interesting." O'Neill said as he pretended to look at a folder in his hands, "Universal Hitchhikers, fascinating stuff. So are these stories recorded by some of the men." he looked a Woolsey with a hard stare that said whatever came out of his mouth next was not a question, but an order, "Think I could have a talk with them?"

Woolsey nodded, "I'm sure I can arrange that...once we find them." he said this last part in an almost whispered voice

"Find them?" questioned O'Neill with a raised eyebrow

"Yes, find them. They wander off from time to time. They'll show up by lunch though." Woolsey said this with 100% certainty. After all, it was meatloaf day, and Ford lived for meatloaf.

"Well, when you do find them, let them know they have a meeting with me tomorrow. I expect them through the Gate first thing in the morning." O'Neill said this all in a stern sounding voice and didn't even say goodbye before the transmission cut out and the Gate shut down

Woolsey tried to remain calm until he was in his office and had caused the windows to become cloudy with the press of a button. He then slumped down in his chair and let out a deep sigh. He honestly had expected that to go a lot worse. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and sent for Ford and Arthur to be brought after they turned up for lunch.


	4. Chapter 4

The General had several different descriptions of the, what had come to be commonly referred to as, universe hoppers. Most of them were not about the men themselves, but descriptions of their character. Based on that he was expecting two men who looked like battle hardened, slightly insane, soldier type men who would fight tooth and nail for each other and in defense of anything they considered valuable to themselves. What he got when the Gate activated and John Sheppard stepped through was not this. What he got were two men who looked like they were on vacation and looking forward to the pool if the towel draped around the taller man's shoulders was any indication. He had also heard much about the towels and the importance they held to the two universe hoppers, but the image wasn't changed by this knowledge. Nor was it helped any when the shorter of the two took a look around and said, "Could use a bit of color in here."

The General took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he could clearly see would be a stunningly silly conversation. He motioned through the glass for Sheppard to bring the small group up to the meeting room and then went to take his place standing by the table which had several files stacked on it, ready to greet his guests. A few minutes later the men entered the room and O'Neill held out his hand to shake in greeting while he said, "Welcome to Earth gentlemen."

His hand was taken by the taller of the two strangers while the shorter started walking around the room and poking at things, "Nice to be back, even if it isn't mine." the man replied in an English accent, "Don't suppose you have any tea."

Before O'Neill could answer a voice shouted across the room in no identifiable accent, "It's over here next to the coffee Arthur, but I wouldn't get your hopes up. Don't forget, they're all American here."

The taller man, now identified as Arthur, frowned slightly and went over to stand with his friend and look over the selection on the drinks table. O'Neill watched what he now realized was the Betelgeusean point a few things out on the table, take an Oreo, and start toward the files on the table. O'Neill blocked his path and motioned to the table, "If everyone would like to have a seat we can get started."

Ford, for there was no one else this could be, looked a bit put out but nodded and took a seat around the middle of the table on the left side. Arthur made his way over with a steaming cup of tea and took a seat next to his friend. Sheppard took a seat opposite the pair on the right side of the table and then looked to O'Neill as he took his own seat at the head of the table. O'Neill reached for the first file and opened it, "So, I'm assuming your Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent."

Arthur nodded, "That's right." and took a sip of his tea. The man winced, frowned down at the cup as if it had offended his mother, and put the cup far away from him on the table.

"And it says here that you two ended up here because of some crazy science project." O'Neill wanted to make sure he got this all right before asking about the things in the other files

Ford nodded this time and said, "Yeah, they were all crackers, the lot of them. It's no wonder they were exiled. The universe has enough to be going on with already without considering other universes. Nothing but trouble really." Ford said this all with an air of a man who had seen it all and was bored with some of it

"I can imagine." O'Neil commented with sarcasm that seemed to be completely ignored by Ford who had started to examine the table top with interest. He turned to Sheppard then and asked, "And you have proof of their claims?"

Sheppard nodded, "Yes General. We also have a team working with the residual energy trying to come up with a way to send them back to their own universe. We sent the data in the report." Sheppard motioned to the files

"Yes, the nerds took to it like kids do to candy." O'Neill said with a small smile, "You really made their day. Haven't seen Cater that excited in a while."

Sheppard smiled back, "Happy to help sir."

O'Neill nodded before turning his attention back to the pair on the other side of the table who seemed to be having a kind of whispered conversation, "Now, on to the big question for you two." the pair looked at him expectantly, "Says here you refuse to share information from this Guide thing of yours. Something about destroying civilization. Wanna explain that to me?"

Ford took the lead and said, "Well, it's true. Given the things I've seen, giving to much technology to a race that isn't ready for it ends with the destruction of that race, sometimes the whole planet. I went to Vorta 7.5 once just long enough to see them discover neural narcotics and die out from overindulgence. Not a pretty sight I can tell you. Still, it was a great party for the week they had it." he smiled as if remembering a happy memory

O'Neill blinked and tried to understand what he had just been told. Once he figured it out he felt that the part about these men being not entirely sane was probably accurate. Arthur did nothing to help this by opening his mouth and saying, "Was that before or after you hijacked that space cruise liner?"

Ford's response was to smile wider, in a way that made O'Neill think he was going to go for Arthur's neck, and replied, "During actually. Had to get the photon out of that place somehow before all the bodies started to melt." to which Arthur just nodded as if this was a perfectly understandable answer

"So what your saying is that you aren't going to share anything?" O'Neill tried to get a handle back on the conversation, as the one he seemed to have been holding before had fallen off somehow

"Yeah, in a nut shell." Ford replied

"It really is for your own good." Arthur insisted when O'Neill frowned, "I've seen the Earth destroyed once already, no reason to be the cause of it happening again."

This brought O'Neill to another question that had haunted him since reading the files, "About that, you say the a race called the Vogons did that to clear the way for space traffic." the very idea had seemed so absurd to him and he still didn't really believe it

"Yes, but then, it was Thursday." Arthur seemed to think this answer was clear and explained everything if the tone of voice he used was any accurate indication

"Of course." O'Neill could now understand a few more of the reports that had suggested the best way to deal with anything the pair said was to accept it as fact and move on without asking to many questions. It apparently kept the headache away for a bit longer, "But it was Vogons? Not Wraith or Goa'uld?"

"Nope, it was Vogons." Arthur said with certainty

"Goa'uld?" Ford questioned, recognition in his voice that Gave O'Neill a bit of hope that the conversation could now get onto some familiar ground. This hope was dashed when Ford snapped his fingers as his memory connected with the word, "Those are those parasite things the people of Exta serve as a delicacy to royalty. I had once once, tastes a bit like boiled chicken."

This statement filled O'Neill with both shock and a strong feeling of needing to be physically sick at the implications of it. He was unable to just let this comment passed and asked, "You ate one?"

Ford shrugged, "It would have been rude to refuse it. Why do you think a Goa'uld could destroy the planet? They don't even have space travel, let alone thumbs."

So O'Neill told Ford exactly why he thought Goa'uld could do something like that for the next several minutes. By the end of it Ford just looked stunned and muttered, "Another on? Man, you monkeys really get around."

O'Neill ignored this comment before asking, "So there is really nothing you can share or put forth that would make you useful to anyone?" he decided to be as blunt as possible as it seemed to be the only way to get anything done with these two

Arthur took offense to this and said, "I offered something very valuable, but that McKay person just ignored me."

"It's true." Ford agreed with a swift nod, coming to his friends defense, "It's dead useful if you can figure out how to do it. I'm getting better at it, but Arthur is still the best."

Arthur swelled with pride under those words, like a flower basking in the sun after a week of rain, "Thank you Ford."

"No problem, just stating a fact." Ford said as if it were an obvious thing

O'Neill saw a strange look come over Sheppard's face. Clearly the man knew what these two were talking about and had been hoping it wouldn't come up. It was a mix between a wince and a look of embarrassment, "And what might this skill be?" asked O'Neill, now not so sure this was a wise thing to want to know the answer to

"I can fly." Arthur said with pride as he sat up a bit straighter

The room was dead silent for several moments before O'Neill blinked and Sheppard coughed into his hand, "You can fly?"

"Yep. Without any help from any technology at all." Arthur explained with a bright smile, "It's really not as hard as people think."

"That's what you think." Ford snorted, "It may have come easy to you but I'm rubbish at it. I can't distract myself from the zarking ground before I hit it."

"Distract yourself from the ground?" O'Neill found himself asking without really meaning to

Arthur nodded and said in a tone of voice that reminded O'Neill of his 10th grade history teacher, "Yes, that's the key to flying. You have to fall at the ground and miss."

* * *

More silence met this statement. While O'Neil and Sheppard tried to understand this statement Ford and Arthur had started talking amongst themselves again.

After about another hour of listening to a man known as General O'Neill ask them questions the pair had become rather bored. And as anyone who spent more then a day with them could tell you, this was a dangerous thing to happen. So for the past 15 minutes, whenever Sheppard and O'Neill were busy talking to each other, the pair would each take a sip out a flask that Ford kept in his blazer pocket. Inside the flask was an alcohol known as Ultra Etho. It was one of the strongest drinks in the universe, just behind the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. It was easy to drink because it looked, tasted, and smelled like water. It's effects however, were almost instant. And in the 15 minutes each of them had drunk about half the flask between them and were feeling rather good about everything in general.

Ford squinted at the General's uniform while the man tried to ask him a question. In the middle of the question Ford asked one of his own, "Why do you have a rainbow on your chest?"

This brought the man up short and he stopped asking his question to ask a new one, "What?"

Ford got out of his chair with a bit of effort and sort of stumbled a bit on his way over to where O'Neill was sitting. He then reached out and poked the pin's on the man's uniform quickly and with purpose, "The rainbow, why is it there?"

Arthur sniggered from his chair before saying, "Those are medals Ford. They tell you he's done all sorts of brave and stupid things for his country." Arthur then looked a bit confused before looking at O'Neill seriously, "At least it did on my Earth. Does it mean something else here?" his words slurred slightly

"Um, yeah, it means the same thing." He turned to look at Ford who was now poking at the stars on his shoulder. He smacked the hand away, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Trying to activate the color change option on this uniform. It's a zarking awful color, makes you look like a Tantor Beast from Floom."

Arthur snorted before falling into a fit of giggles while managing to get out, "He really does." between breaths

O'Neill rolled his eyes, "It doesn't change colors, it's just normal fabric."

Ford frowned a bit more and said, "Isnt that a bit pointless?"

"Maybe to you but not to me." O'Neill snapped, "Now go sit back down."

Ford shook his head and crossed his arms like a chiled, "Nope, don't feel like it." then he sped over to the star map on the wall and started looking it over. Suddenly he let out a loud whoop of glee and jabbed at something on the chart, "Arthur, come look at this."

Arthur got out of his seat a bit to fast and dissappeared under the table as he fell over his own feet. After a few rustles and bumps from under the table Arthur crawled out on the other side, right next to where Sheppard was sitting, and continued to crawl until he got to the wall. He used it as leverage to get back to his feet and looked at where Ford was pointing, "What?"

"That's my home planet, or at least the one from this universe. Says here it doesn't have one of those Gate things." Ford smiled, "They probably took one look at those Ancient bastards and threw them off the planet."

Arthur nodded sagely, "I'm sure that's exactly what happened. Either that or they ran screaming after talking to one of you." Arthur sniggered at his own joke

Ford joined in with some sniggering of his own, "Yeah, could be." it was at that point that Ford drew out the flask, in full view of the room, and took a big drink before handing it over to Arthur who did the same

O'Neil was on his feet instantly, "What the hell is that?" he pointed at the flask that was half way back into Ford's pocket

Ford froze for a moment before bringing the flask up to his face as if this would help him see it better. He seemed to think about the answer for a moment before turning to O'Neill and saying like an excited 5 year old pointing out animals at the zoo, "It's a flask." Arthur collapsed against the wall as he fell into another fit of giggles and then hiccuped slightly

"Yes, I can see that." O'Neil replied as he took a few steps forward

"Then why did you ask?" Ford asked in genuine confusion. O'Neil snatched the flask from his hand and he reached to take it back but failed as the General took a few steps back, "Hey, get your own."

O'Neill opened the flask and gave it a sniff. When he smelled nothing he looked at it and then back to the giggeling man who had now slumped to the floor and the indignant looking Ford who was holding out his hand in silent request for his property back, "What is this stuff?"

"What does it smell like?" Ford asked in frustration as he once again tried to get the flask but went for the wrong one in his double vision and missed

"Nothing." O'Neill replied

"Wrong." Arthur called out before giggling at his answer, "It smells like Ultra Etho."

Ford pointed at Arthur, "Quiet you." he said sternly before turning back to look at the two visions of the General he was seeing, "Generals, I demand the return of my property."

"I think you've both had enough of whatever this is." The man frowned heavily at them, "I think you both need to sleep this off in a locked room." he put the flask in his own pocket and motioned for Sheppard to get some soldiers, "I also think we're going to have to have a talk about proper behavior after you both sober up."

Ford pointed in between the two visions he was seeing, hoping he was close enough, "Your not my mothers, you can't tell me what to do." he threw his hands in the air, "I demand to see my planet representative." At this point the soldiers entered the room and started to drag the screaming Ford and giggling Arthur from the room, "Belgium." Ford cried loudly

Arthur stopped giggling then and gasped in shock, "Ford, there's no need for language like that." this of course confused everyone who wondered what was so offensive about a country that makes wonderful chocolate

"Yes there is." Ford argued, "He's trying to lock us up for having a good time. I feel like we're back on Praxta Nerva." he tried to wriggle out of the grips of the two men dragging him backward down a dull hallway. When that didn't work he just went slack and let them do all the work, no sense making it any easier for them, "This is the last straw." Ford said drunkenly as he reached into his satchel, no one but Arthur paying him any attention. This is the reason no one but Arthur saw Ford draw out his stolen Wraith stunner and knock out their escorts in a flash of blue light, "That'll teach you monkeys not to mess with me." he smirked as he put the gun back in his bag, "Now, I'm hungry, lets go get some food."

Arthur just shot the guards one last sympathetic look before following his friend off down the hallway. They got several curious looks but no one stopped them. Why would they? After all, these men didn't have any guards with them and walked with complete confidence, as if they were meant to be there. It wasn't until 10 minutes later that the alarms went off and the base was searched for the missing pair.

* * *

It was no surprise to Sheppard that the two were found passed out in the mess hall, half eaten bowls of ice cream sitting in front of them. Sheppard made sure only the gun was taken from Ford, telling the guards that it would be much better then taking everything as Ford was more likely to behave if he had his things with him. He had to explain the Wraith stunner to General O'Neill while the pair of universe hoppers were dumped on the same bed in a small room to sober up in their own time.

Ford and Arthur returned to Atlantis three days later, all smiles. They had had a great time playing around with the guards on base and had even managed to escape for 3 hours once and go to a bar. The soldiers had come to get them and had been forced to pay the large bar tab the pair had wracked up before escorting the two drunken idiots back to base. They were of course told to visit again soon, and decided they would do just that the next chance they got. It was a great way to relax.

The first thing Ford did when he got back was go off in search of a scientist named Zelenka. He had heard something about a still run by the man mentioned with regard to his flask on the second day of the visit. He was determined to get in on that action as soon as he could. He was sure his advice would help improve any product the little man was making. It took him about an hour to locate the small and mousy man in an empty hallway looking at some kind of panel. Ford grinned and almost seemed to slither silently up behind the smaller man. Once he was close enough he leaned forward and whispered softly in the man's ear, "Hello there."

The man jumped a good foot in the air, let out a yelp of terror, and turned around while swinging the computer pad in his hand. The computer pad made direct contact with the side of Ford's head and sent the poor man sprawling on the ground. Almost instantly there was a swear from the smaller man and he was down beside Ford on the ground, hands hovering and afraid to touch lest he do more damage, "Mr. Prefect, I'm so sorry. It's just that you startled me and I reacted. Are you alright? Should I call Keller or Carson?"

Ford waved the words away as he sat up, rubbing the side of his head, "It's Ford, not Mr. Prefect. And I'm fine Zelenka." He gave the man that familiar smile and asked, "You are Zelenka aren't you?"

The man aborted a move that would have brought his hand up to cover his neck and nodded, "Yes, but you can call me Radek."

* * *

"Radek then." Ford slowly got to his feet, "Just the man I was looking for." he swung his arm out and wrapped it around the smaller man's shoulders, "You and me have so much to talk about."

Arthur spent his first day back on Atlantis in Carson Beckett's office having a proper cup of tea, "It was awful." Arthur was saying, "Not even brand name, just some sort of generic crap."

Carson nodded in sympathy, "I understand. But what can you do really, the Americans are hopeless with that sort of thing."

Both men paused to enjoy a sip of tea before continuing on with the conversation, "So, did we miss anything while we were gone?"

"Not to much. Just a delivery from the supply ship Daedalus. There will be a few more things to eat and drink for a while with the fresh supplies, so you should enjoy it while you can." Carson advised, "I myself just got this tea in today. I have to ration it over the next several months before the ship comes again."

"Sounds hard to do." Arthur said taking another sip, "This really is wonderful tea."

* * *

"Isn't it though." Carson agreed and they spent the rest of the day talking idly and drinking tea

The pair didn't meet up again tell dinner, where a new face had joined them at their table. Radek Zelenka found that he quit like the pair of strange space travelers. He didn't understand half of what they said, but the half he did understand was wonderful. Ford had a great many things to teach him about how to make better alcohol and Arthur was great for hearing different opinions on what Ford talked about. He also learned a bit more about how the two had become friends and was shocked by the sheer absurdity of it.

Apparently Ford had just shown up on Arthur's lawn one night, piss drunk, and shouting at the sky. Arthur had calmed the stranger down and then let him into his house to sleep on the sofa. And ever since then they had just hung out all the time and gotten drunk a lot and figured it was perfectly normal to start a friendship like this. Radek would have called the police if something like that had happened to him, and he was sure most people would have followed his example.

They were all currently talking about a custom from a planet on the edge of the Sirius Star System that involved jiggling one's left foot when they were interrupted by Rodney McKay coming over and trying to drag Radek away, "Come on you moron, those calculations aren't going to run themselves." he had snapped

Ford had slapped McKay's hand off Radek's shoulder and said, "Zark off you annoying ape. Can't you see we're trying to have a conversation here?"and then continued to talk as if he didn't have a fuming scientist gaping at him in utter horror

* * *

Radek noticed though, and took great pleasure at the sight that was rarely seen. A speechless Rodney McKay. He felt himself grow more attached to Ford and Arthur with each passing second and soon joined them in ignoring McKay when he caught up with the thread of conversation and found himself interested in the subject once more. Needless to say McKay had left in a daze and Radek hadn't had to return to work until he had finished his meal a while later.

No one was quit sure how Ford Prefect had managed to make this happen, a few were to afraid to even think about it. Somehow, over the course of the last week, Ford had somehow gotten himself and Arthur assigned to a Gate mission. When asked how he would just snigger and mumble something about 'easy hacking' and 'to many drinks'. And while Ford seemed to hum with excitement in the mission gear, looking ready to explode with excitement, Arthur looked nervous and a bit green. But the rules were the rules and they were both on the mission roster...somehow. They had been assigned to SGA2 which consisted of Major Lorne, Dr. Parrish, Sergeant Linol, and Private Darren. The mission was simple, to collect plant samples on an already clear world. There was a small village on it that they had a trading pact with and other then an unexpected Wraith attack everything would be perfectly safe. But the whole Gate Room still felt that nothing good could come of this, but no one could think of any logical reason it shouldn't happen.

Just a few days ago Ford had proved he was a crack shot with a gun when he had been tested after returning form Earth. Both he and Arthur had gone through a sort of test to see what they could do. This involved marksmanship and hand to hand combat. Arthur hadn't been very good at either and claimed he was better at just fading into the background and being ignored. Ford meanwhile had surprised everyone with how good a shot he was. When asked how he had learned he had simply replied, "Hey, you pick these things up when you travel for a while."

But it had been Ford's fighting style that had really confused them. He had stood on the gym mat in his normal clothing, not even gym shorts, and brandished his towel like it was a sword. His opponent had simply grinned and tried to tackle him. But no matter how hard the man had tried, he couldn't get near Ford without that towel snapping out and hitting him straight in the eye in a perfect motion no doubt picked up in locker rooms as a kid. The man was deadly accurate with a rat-tailed towel.

And so there they stood, ready for a mission that everyone hoped wouldn't end in tears, be it for them or the villagers they were about to visit.

Once the Gate shut down and SGA2 started toward the village Ford asked, "So we're here to get plant samples?"

Dr. Parrish nodded, a wide smile on his face, "That's right. This planet had an interesting tea plant that blooms these strange purple flowers. The thing that makes them strange is that they secrete a sort of dew on their own to keep the plant watered." he pointed up at the sky, "It hardly ever rains here so it can be hard for plant life to survive without help."

"Tea plant?" Arthur asked, ears prickling at his favorite word

"Yes, it's a ceremonial tea." Parrish explained, happy to talk more about plants instead of being told to shut up like he normally was, "It has some rather strange effects on the villagers."

"Just on the villagers?" Ford asked, "Are they a different species or something?" this was starting to sound interesting

"No, they're human. It's just that regulations say we can't have any of the tea unless refusing it puts our lives in danger. To many strange things have happened in the history of the SGC to eat or drink anything given to teams by natives without testing them first." Parrish explained

Ford frowned, thinking that was a stupid rule and showed just how dull life could be if you always played it safe, "Well, what does it to to the people who drink it?" he really hoped for an interesting answer, and as faith would have it, he got one

"They go into a sort of blissful state and see dream like visions." Parrish explained, "It's used for ceremonies involving funerals, births, and coming of age. Anything the native people consider to be sacred steps in life. It's supposed to give you perspective." he leaned in, as if sharing a secret, "My theory is that the dew the plant uses to water itself might be the actual cause of the hallucinations, not the plant itself. That's why we're here to take samples."

Ford smiled widely and turned to Arthur, "Isn't that interesting Arthur. A tea that makes you high as a kite."

Arthur didn't look like he really knew how to feel about this. He had never been much one for drugs, finding they made him sick more often then not and had long ago decided to stick to alcohol and tea for pleasure. But finding a drug that was actually made of tea had him curious. If it worked out all right that wouldn't be to bad, but if it made him sick he didn't know if he would enjoy tea as much as he had before ever again. But he could tell by the conspiratory look on Ford's face that it really didn't matter what Arthur thought because they were going to somehow get their hands on that tea and give it a try. With a resigned sigh he nodded, "Yes Ford, very interesting."

The rest of the walk to the village was mostly silent, the empty air taken up by the calls of birds and the sound of their boots stepping on twigs. When they were just over the hill from the village a loud squawk came from a tree near them and Arthur stopped to look up, his face twisted in a sort of insulted expression, "I beg your pardon." he huffed at a large black bird

This reaction confused all those present except Ford who asked Arthur, "What did it say?"

"It said we were a bunch of two legged idiots." Arthur replied before shouting at the bird, "Your feathers are greasy and your beak is dull."

SGA2 watched as the bird ruffled it's feathers in a way that seemed to indicate indignity before flying off with a last angry sounding caw that had Arthur yelling after it, "The same to you." while shaking his fist

Major Lorne stepped forward and tapped Arthur on the shoulder, "Are you alright Mr. Dent?"

"Fine." Arthur grumbled, "Just a bit insulted?"

"And the bird...it's the one that insulted you?" Lorne was really trying to understand this as best he could, but was finding that a tricky task

"Not just me, all of us. Stupid pompous asshole of a bird." Arthur looked a little like he was pouting now, "Running off before I could really get started insulting it, coward."

"And you know it was insulting us because..." Lorne left the sentence to hang in the air like a could around Arthur

"Oh, because I speak bird." Arthur responded simply, "It's really not so hard once you get the hang of it."

"Yeah, that's what you say about flying to but I still can't get it." Ford said from next to him, "But enough with the birds Arthur. Let's go see about getting you a nice cup of tea." Ford said this last sentence with a bit of giddish glee as he started up the hill and stopped at the top to look out at the village below

It was a rather nice place, filled with mud brick houses and rock paved roads. There were stalls situated throughout the town and a few colorful flags hanging here and there. Ford was reminded of those post cards you could get in historical towns where people dressed up as figures from the past. Except instead of being a picture on a post card it was real and right in front of him. He could also see some sort of celebration going on in the center of town and called over his shoulder, "Hurry up Arthur, there's a party going on." and then he was running down the hill, leaving SGA2 and Arthur behind


	5. Chapter 5

The village was abuzz with excitement that day. Everyone was out and about celebrating the summer harvest. People were drinking, laughing, roasting meat at the large fire pit in the center of town, and just generally having a good time. And later that night there were three young men and women who were coming of age and would put on a short show by dancing a traditional dance around the fire pit before drinking their tea. The tea was a special treat that people only experienced during the happiest and saddest moments in life, to help provide personal clarity and understanding.

Today was also special because they were getting visitors from a favored trading partner. They had met several times before and were always happy to negotiate with them. They were always fair and never asked for more then the people of the planet could give, but what else did you expect from the descendants of the Ancients themselves. It was because of this that no one found the strange man running through the streets very alarming. After all, he was wearing a very familiar uniform and didn't seem to be in any type of distress. In fact, he had a wide smile on his face and looked like he wouldn't want to be anywhere else at the moment. After running down a few streets the man turned into a bar where singing could be heard, and instantly joined the ongoing party as if he had been there all the time.

About ten minutes after the first man had shown up, five more appeared at the edge of town. Four of them looked a bit angry about something while the fifth just looked guilty. No one really wanted to ask what was wrong, because they were all having to good of a time to want to be brought down by the negativity coming from the party. The five men cut a path through the crowded streets until they reached the center of town where the village council sat at a table near the fire pit. They spent a good hour talking and negotiating before everything was worked out and everyone dismissed to do as they pleased.

* * *

The guilty looking man had started to wander around to every bar in town, but never ordered a drink. People thought this odd for a few seconds before getting on with their own lives and forgetting about it. However, in one bar, the guilty looking man stopped looking so guilty and looked incredibly relieved to see a familiar man dancing on a bar with a pretty girl in a sundress while singing along with everyone else in the bar.

Arthur made his way to the bar and without even asking he was handed a large glass of the local drink with a wink from the barmaid that made Arthur blush slightly. He blushed even more when he looked up at his dancing friend and realized he could see up the female dancer's dress. He forced his eyes to look directly at Ford and he called out, "Having a good time Ford?"

Ford didn't stop dancing and howled with joy, "Oh, Arthur, I have missed parties." he grabbed the girl in front of him and dipped her low before bringing her up to share a deep kiss before they continued to dance. It was clear Ford thought he had found heaven when, as he was dancing and flirting with the pretty girl before him the bar maid handed him a new drink. Arthur had to smile at the look of utter content on Ford's face, a look he had not seen in a while. While it was true that most people loved a good party, Ford literally lived for them. They gave him purpose in life and the determination to go on living so he could make it to the next party. And for a whole month now Ford had been without one and starting to loose a bit of motivation, even while helping Radek with the still. But Arthur knew, that as long as Ford got to enjoy this party until it ended, he would be good for a while longer. And if they managed to get their hands on some of that tea, all the better.

For the next three hours the pair stayed in the bar. They drank, sang, and at one point the barmaid had dragged Arthur out onto the dance floor and taught him a local jig while touching him more then she needed to. It was one of the better parties Arthur had been to in that he wasn't afraid to drink what was put in his hand and the native people were humanoid. It was just starting to get dark when people started leaving the bar. When Arthur and Ford asked why this was they were informed that the coming of age ceremony was starting soon and everyone in town would be there to see it. They exited the bar with the elderly owner and said they would be along in a minute after a visit to a near by bush. And while they did make use of the bush, they didn't follow everyone into the center of town.

"Why aren't we going to the ceremony again?" Arthur slurred around his drunken tongue

"Because..." Ford paused to think about this before nodding and continuing, "because I got to talking with one of the people who watch over the tea plants. That girl, in green, remember her?" Ford asked with a slightly pervish grin

Arthur blushed and nodded, he did indeed remember. The girl had drunk so much she had sat down right in Arthur's lap and passed out against his chest. He had been so startled by this that he had fallen out of his chair, "Yes." he replied simply

"Well, that was her. And she told me where they grow the plants. I promised not to tell anyone, so once we get the plants you have to forget where we got them, got me?" Ford managed all this without pausing to think and felt proud of himself for that

Arthur just felt even more confused but decided to nod and agree with Ford so they could just finish whatever it was they were doing and getting to the center of town. He remembered someone saying there was food there and he was feeling a bit peckish. So Arthur followed Ford out into the forest and soon found himself walking down a small and hidden path. At the end of the path was a beautiful sight. The sun had gone down now and the moon light filled the clearing they found themselves in. The slightly purple light of the violet moon shown off the natural dew that covered the field of plants. There weren't a lot of them, only about a 40 by 40 foot space, but the light twinkled and glittered as well as any light show either of them had ever seen. In their drunken state they decided it was the most beautiful natural light show they had ever witnessed before going closer to figure out which parts to steal.

After a few minutes of looking around Ford pointed to a freshly dug part of the crop. Clearly some had been harvested to make tea for the ceremony going on tonight. Ford told Arthur that they should take some from around the same area, that way it was less likely to be noticed. When Arthur asked what they were going to put the tea in to make sure they didn't loose any of the dew, Ford withdrew a few plastic bags from his pockets, "Nicked them off of Parrish in the woods." he said with a giggle

Arthur joined him in giggling for a few moments before they took about 6 plants and put them in the bag along with some dirt. Ford said they should try and grow more of the plant, just in case they ended up liking the tea and wanted more in the future. Arthur thought this was genius and told Ford so. Ford had swayed proud, but drunk, and said, "I know, I thought of it. Now, lets get to that thing in the center of town, I'm hungry."

They got to the center of the village just as the ceremony started. They tried to pay as much attention as they could as they watched the tea being brewed and then the young boys and girls reactions to drinking it. As far as either man could tell it was just like being very high, sort of like Ford when hit by a Wraith stunner. But this high was accompanied by the occasional harmless hallucination. And Arthur had to admit that it looked like a really good way to relax. Unfortunately they didn't stick around to hear that the children would spend the next 12 hours in the woods remaining like this to complete their ceremony because they had been distracted by the free roasted meat.

* * *

The next morning everyone trudged back to the Gate, hung over and tired from the party the night before. The only sign that they had done their jobs was a small bag of leaf clippings in Parrish's bag and a signed document form the village council saying that the trading would start in a week once everything had been prepared. But of course, Arthur knew, there was another mission that had been completed, and the fruits of it's completion would be shared between Ford, himself, and Radek after dinner that night.

Radek was a bit excited as he ate dinner with Ford and Arthur that night for several reasons. The first and most important being that tonight was a very special night. For the last week the three of them had been working on Radek's still diligently, changing a few things and messing with the mixture. Tonight was the night the first batch would be ready and they had all agreed to make a night of it out on Arthur's favorite pier and listen to music. Ford had even promised to show him a few interesting entries in his Guide, provided Radek never tell anyone. It was going to be a fantastic evening. But he was also excited because ever since his two friends had returned to Atlantis they had been acting like they were hiding something, sort of the same way boys at school would hide dirty magazines. Radek knew this wasn't because of the party because that had been planed before they had left on the mission. This was something they had either done or discovered on the trading planet, and Radek just knew whatever it was would be amazing and probably illegal. He was really looking forward to it.

They all finished eating quickly and separated in the hallway. They each took different routes and ended up at the still room at the same time. It was in a small isolated part of the city, right at the west edge. There was really nothing down here for anyone in the city because it was filled with disused labs whose controls and panels had long since lost all power. But it was the perfect place to set up the most complicated still any human had ever made. Using all sorts of equipment from the disused labs the still was a masterpiece that only a man as skilled as Zelenka in engineering could design and construct. There were many loops and pooling chambers as well as a few hot plates hooked up to battery packs. It brought a smile to Radek's face every time he looked at it.

At the ending point of the still was a gallon sized tub filled with mint green liquid that was draining from a tube hanging above it. The still was now dry, the alcohol all made. It had had a day to settle itself and was now ready for drinking. If Ford had been correct in all his advise, the result would be something that tasted a bit like sour apples and could work as well as vodka and tequila mixed together.

Ford let out a proud whistle as he looked at the tub, "That is a very froody sight right there."

Arthur nodded from his place standing beside Ford, "And what is it called again?"

"Who cares what it used to be called." Ford said, "I invented it in this universe so I get to give it a new name." Ford thought for a moment before he smiled and said, "I have it." he spread his arms widely to add drama to the occasion, "We'll call it...PDZ." he continued to smile when this got no reaction, "You know, because of all our last names, first letter of each." still no reaction, "I'll work on it shall I?" Arthur and Radek nodded and Ford sighed, "Fine, we'll name it later." then he was all smiles again and Radek realized he was about to understand what all the sneaky behavior before had been about. Ford reached into his pocket and took out a bulging plastic bag with some sort of plant and some dirt in it, "Look what we got on that trading planet."

Radek stepped forward to inspect the bag but couldn't see anything other then some dirt and weeds with purple flowers, "What is it supposed to do?" Radek asked, hoping he would like the answer

"It's for making a special kind of tea. Think marijuana with a bit of a trip. We saw it used, looked like great fun." Ford said as he opened the bag and pulled out one of the plants, "Thought we might start a little crop, get the party going."

Radek grinned wolfishly as he thought of all the days in college he had spent vegged out of his mind in a crowded dorm room. And if it worked, it would go a long way to calming down some of the people around the base. And on the upshot, they probably didn't test for alien plants during drug screenings. It sounded perfect, Radek loved it, "Are we going to test it while we have our little party?" Radek asked hopefully and could see the answer on Ford's face before the Betelgeusean even spoke

* * *

"Yes." He said as his smile threatened to crack his face in two, "Yes we are."

The next morning, when the first few people who woke made their way to the kitchen to start breakfast, they came across a confusing sight. The kitchen was an absolute mess. There were condiments spread on the wall, water all over the floor, half the pots were filled with peeled potatoes, and the plates and glasses had been used to build a teetering tower on the main counter top.

They were not the only ones to be surprised when they got to their work stations that morning. A female botanist had entered her office to find it filled with what turned out to be every pair of spare boots from storage. A geologist found his lab had had it's walls colored on in a way that looked like a strange star map with a red arrow pointing at one star with the words, "I'm from here." printed next to it. Someone had poured shredded paper confetti all over the floor of every men's restroom in the outer parts of the city. And for some reason the medical unit was missing several rolls of bandages. And after a search for evidence of what had happened, someone pointed out that no one had seen Ford or Arthur all morning. This worry was further added to when McKay mentioned that Radek had not shown up for work that morning and had not been answering his comm link.

The Gate room used the internal sensors to scan for the three missing people. Then they tried the external ones when those didn't show any results. And so they located them on the outer edge of the East pier. John led a team of men down to the area, not really knowing what to expect and trying the whole way to think of a way to prevent the three man from being beat to death for all the trouble they had caused. When they arrived at the indicated location, they were shocked at the sight that met them.

Arthur lay against a gate that prevented people from falling off the pier. He was covered in what looked like ketchup and giggling to himself as he looked down at a small bottle that had some sort of green drops left at the bottom. The hand that wasn't holding the bottle was stroking a ginger haired head. Ford was laying with his head in Arthur's lap, gazing out at the ocean with a peaceful smile on his face and tears in his eyes. He was curled up like a cat around his own empty bottle and seemed happy to lay like that until he withered up and died. And with his feet pushed sole to sole with Ford's shoes, was Radek. He was laying on his back, his hands covered in paint, and staring up at the bright blue sky as he mumbled happily to himself. Sticking out of his pocket was his own empty bottle. And to the surprise of all, Radek was also holding both Arthur and Ford's towels, one in each hand.

They were all quickly taken to the infirmary to be tested for everything and the contents of the bottles was tested. After a large amount of testing it was found that while the alcohol was no longer high in their systems, the three still remained in a loopy state. After three more hours of testing the three trouble makers passed out and stayed that way for the next twelve hours. It was discovered that they weren't sick and had no detectable drug in the system. No one really knew what to make of the odd behavior but passed it off as an after effect of a drunken night. While the three were punished, they didn't seem all that sorry about what they had done. In fact, 2 days later, the same thing happened. It wasn't however any of the original three that had caused the problem, but a Private who had just arrived from Earth and the head of the Archeology department. They were found locked inside a broom closet around lunch time covered in empty chocolate wrappers and out cold for the rest of the day. Despite questioning by Woolsey and Shepard the pair refused to say anything more then they had had a bit of Athosian wine the night before.

This happened a few more days in a row and everyone in charge finally had enough when in the middle of a hand to hand training session Dr. Parrish stepped onto the mat, grabbed Major Lorne by the shoulders, and kissed him square on the mouth before walking back out while singing something about Oklahoma boys. They had found him several hours later in the main greenhouse, surrounded by potted plants and the warning sign that said "Beware Killer Plants". The only difference in his story compared to all the others they had heard so far was that Parrish had not had a single drop off alcohol the previous evening, and this was backed up by his medical scans. This caused the leaders of Atlantis to be worried for everyone's health, as well as their own sanity. Because no matter how serious it appeared to them, everyone else seemed to be in on some big joke.

After a week of sneaky investigating they came upon a disused part of the city on the East side. It was a lab that had heat control and several heating lamps set up to one side. Under each heating lamp, of which there were about twenty, was a pot with a plant growing in it. Major Lorne had taken one look and stormed to the room that Arthur and Ford shared and interrupted the pair while they were watching a movie on the info screen in the wall.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TWO DO?" could be heard all down the hallway the room was located in

* * *

The pair had jumped, looked at each other in confusion, and then Ford had turned to Lorne and said, "You'll have to be a bit more specific then that."

Arthur looked up at the scowling faces before him, feeling much like he had when he had been brought in front of his headmaster as a boy for hiding a dirty magazine in his locker. Colonel Sheppard, Mr. Woolsey, doctors Carson and Keller, McKay, and Major Lorne stood in front of Arthur and Ford, who were seated in small chairs in the conference room, and glared daggers at them. Lorne had told everyone about the tea and what it could do if ingested. This had caused everyone else to feel both relieved and furious. They were relieved because there wasn't some sort of strange disease infecting people, and furious because of the damage it had caused in just under a week.

"So, what happens now?" Arthur ventured hesitantly

This was met with a tense silence while everyone just continued to glare at the pair of trouble makers. Arthur knew all hope was lost when Ford opened his mouth and spoke, "I honestly don't see the big deal, we didn't hurt anyone. Whats wrong with having a good time?"

"YOU DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM?" Sheppard exploded

Ford ignored the yelling and simply said, "No, I really don't."

"This is a military base in the middle of an active war zone. You don't see a problem with intoxicating the people who live hear with something that will make them useless and vulnerable for almost a full day?" John was looking like he really didn't want an answer, but Ford gave him one anyway

"No, I don't see the problem. Two or three people are hardly going to matter in a real emergency, unless it's the people in charge. That's why none of you were told about it. That way, you could all stay sober while the rest of us tried to relax a little." Ford held his hands up in a peaceful seeming gesture, "And I know that sounds unfair, but leaders have to bare the brunt of unfairness for the good of the people."

* * *

And while this was a sound argument, it didn't make anyone very happy. Arthur could feel the fires of Hell itself coming from the eyes of the men and woman before him and could only think of one thing to say, "Oh Belgium."

* * *

Ford and Arthur were locked in their room for the next week while all the plants were burned and the city returned to normal. During this time the pair of them took very great care to hide a small potted plant they kept in the closet just in case of an emergency.

It would be several months before anything new was discovered at the original sight of appearance for both the universe hoppers. At this point they had solidified their use on Atlantis. Arthur had joined the kitchen staff and perfected his sandwich making skills. He was very close to learning just the right amount of mustard that a sandwich needed. Ford in the mean time had started allowing certain people to look at the guide from time to time. And by certain people, he meant people who gave him things he really really wanted. But he only ever showed them things having to do with culture, never technology. He had also been breeding his babble fish and declared that next mating cycle there would be enough for everyone in the city. He was also teaching as many people as he could how to swear properly.

And then, one day, the science team studying the exotic particles had something to report. This something was an old man who insisted on speaking to Dentarthurdent. He also apparently had a space ship. Ford and Arthur had collected the few things they had come to own in the short few months they had been on Atlantis before bounding off to the planet. It turned out to be someone they knew, someone named Slartibartfast, he apparently helped design custom planets. And according to him, he had noticed when they vanished and finally decided to help because he owed them one after all the trouble with Krikket, whatever that meant. So with one last goodbye Ford and Arthur left the universe with a soft sounding pop and normalcy was restored. Radek had shed a tear for his best drinking partners ever. And he would never admit it out loud, but he sometimes wished the pair would come back.

Meanwhile, on the ship, Ford looked lovingly down at the small potted plant he had smuggled out of the city in his satchel. He couldn't wait to start growing more of them so he could share it with all of his friends, if friends meant carbon based life forms who had money to pay for it. He was looking forward to being exceedingly wealthy in the very near future.


End file.
